Dressing Trump as a schoolboy would give shooters a chance

Stung by criticisms of the inaccuracy of American marksmanship, the Secret Service has unveiled plans to dress Donald Trump as a schoolboy and leave him in a high school for a few days.

‘He wasn’t keen until we told him that there were girls at the school, and then he was all over the idea’, a spokesman said. ‘Shooters just seem more numerous inside schools and generally more accurate. We figure if we leak the name of the school, then we might all get lucky. Christ, we’ve been letting him walk slowly on golf courses surrounded by woodland – even that didn’t work.’

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Trump sues Kamala Harris for being younger than him

Donald Trump's campaign has filed a complaint with the Federal Election Commission against Kamala Harris accusing her of being provocatively younger, blacker and with a better memory than the candidate he was expecting to battle.

'This is a thinly vailed attempt to make me look old, white and, what's that word?', said the complaint. 'What's more, she's never been pregnant. I've been pregnant so many times - everyone says so.'

Trump supporters have got behind the former president and pointed out that he is still taller than Ms Harris, although Ms Harris responded that Mr Trump was taller than her when he was lying down.

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‘Dark Mark’ seen over Michigan

The Ministry of Magic has moved to reassure muggles in Michigan after the Dark Lord’s mark was seen hovering in the night sky.

Death Eaters flew in to Michigan to pay fealty to their master, though some failed to secure an audience.

'I am here, Master,' shouted Nigel ‘Wormtail’ Fromage at Trump’s hotel window before being bundled away by security.

Fromage is believed to be ‘regretting’ writing a column in the Telegraph about his position in the Trump hierarchy and his unique place in Western democracy. He is also rumoured to have googled ‘tattoo removal’ somewhat obsessively.

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