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US vetoes UN’s New Year’s resolutions

Despite promising to stop genocide and lose some weight, the UN has found that its resolve has been undermined by the USA tempting them with chocolate and all missiles they can eat. The US defended its position: ‘We tried giving up booze once, but we just ended up with Al Capone. Resolutions should focus on achievable promises – like tax breaks for the wealthy and ever worse superhero movies.’


Hints about abandoning the petrodollar or upholding human rights were rejected in favour of a resolution to massage Joe Biden’s bunions. Said one depressed UN representative: ‘We asked if we could do something about world hunger, but the answer was ‘Nope’. We said, what about poverty? ‘Nope’. Could we maybe do something about the environment – ‘Nope’. Finally, we asked, what promise could we make? And they said – ‘promise to keep your mouth shut and turn a blind eye.’


Having already downgraded Santa’s naughty list to just North Korea and James Corden, the US has muted all opposition to its excesses. Said their ambassador: ‘We resolve to make 2024 every bit as scary as 2023. Oh, and go to the gym more.’





US government replaces term limits with "Shoot the President Day"

US presidents can now stay in office as long as they can dodge bullets, thanks to a new bill signed into law today. After intense lobbying by an alliance of brooding loners and psychotic conspiracy theorists, Congress has given in and made the 8th of April the day anyone can end the president's rule with a well-aimed bullet.


"It's a victory for the rugged individualism for which we're famous as a nation", says Senator Hilmer Baines (R). "For too long, the basement-dwelling gun nut has been a marginalised figure in American politics. He spends his days peering out between his window blinds in search of FBI surveillance trucks, or getting cut off by radio show hosts when he phones in about the president being an agent of the Illuminati".


"This is people power in action", says Mrs Edna Prazitsky of Dayton, Ohio, whose conspiracy theorist son Bruce lives in her loft with his gun collection. "For the last ten years Bruce has had to make do with pumping bullets into cardboard likenesses of politicians at the shooting range. Now he knows he can really make a difference".


Senator Baines urges all aspiring marksmen to be ready on Shoot the President Day. "Whatever your motives may be, your contribution is appreciated", he says. "Maybe the President isn't answering your letters about the alien landings in your back yard. Or you have an unrequited crush on a film star who takes out a restraining order every time you're found hiding in her garden. Go on - you know she'll be impressed when she sees you on TV being manhandled to the ground by Secret Service agents".


image from pixabay

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