Trump's rotten center to close for renovations

The dark, foul pit right at the centre of Donald Trump's being will be closed over the coming week for an upgrade, according to the US federal administration.

'Trump's soul, if you can call it that, has been almost totally twisted and tarnished by decades of scheming, self-dealing and skulduggery in his business and political lives,' one of his White House handlers told the press, and some priests trying to conduct to an exorcism.

'But however depraved he has become in his mind and spirit, his followers expect better. That's why we'll be closing Trump's demented psyche down for a week for refurbishment, while his body lies comatose in an open coffin.

'When he arises from the dead at night, he will be even more outrageously venal, vengeful and vulgar than ever before.

'In the meantime, you'll have to be content with the almost equally obnoxious words and behaviour of JD Vance and Robert 'Disgrace to his Family Name' Kennedy.

'And can somebody get those priests out of here! They'll ruin everything!'

Image credit: perchance.org

Rotten Tomatoes proscribed as a terrorist website

With the obviously flawed evaluation of 'Melania' on the website dedicated to providing obviously flawed evaluations of brilliant films, the Trump administration has taken steps to close down Rotten Tomatoes, claiming it is run by 'domestic terrorists'.

'Some of the so-called reviewers are obviously communists,' said a spokesman for the President.  'The rest are just FAKE,' he added, refusing to clarify if they are fake reviewers, or just fake something else.  Fake communists, maybe?

The part of the internet that Rotten Tomatoes sits in has been raided by ICE agents and all the ones and noughts making it operate have been deported.  

'The President added up the ones and noughts we arrested, using his amazing math skills, and totalled 83.  Apparently there were more noughts than ones,' explained an aide.  'He has calculated that Truth Social adds up to eleventeen million with no noughts,' he added.  'And Truth Social gave Melania twelve stars out of ten'.

Image credit: deep dream generator, edited in Wix

Starstruck ICE stormtroopers flock to watch 'Melania'

The streets of Minneapolis were eerily quiet as ICE agents knocked off early from herding immigrants onto cattle trucks and executing citizens to go and watch the film 'Melania'.

'I read reviews of it in Rolling Stein magazine,' raved one ICE commandant, wearing a regulation brown shirt, jackboots and face scarf. 'They said it's the best propaganda film since Triumph of The Will.'

'Melania Knauss is America's Eva Braun!' gushed an ICE stormtrooper, equipped with a Mauser and coalscuttle helmet. 'She is a goddess! No mere mortal could wear that much mascara without going blind.'

Also packing out cinemas to see the pisspoor, tedious Melania documentary were students on a rag week.

'It's like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but with a lead actress who can't act or sing, and has zero sense of humour, so it's hilarious!' sniggered one student.

'We throw rice at the screen and cry 'ah!' when Trump tries to kiss Melania at his inauguration, but gets blocked by her broad brimmed hat.'

In cities across the US, ICE agents have been deployed to force residents into cinemas at gunpoint to watch Melania.

'There's a high risk people will of boredom in there, but we don't care,' said an ICE ubergruppenfuhrer, who was barging an old lady towards the box office with an electric cattle prod.

'We must please the Fuhrer - I mean the President - by making sure that 'Melania' breaks all records in its first weekend, even if it deserves to be a miserable flop.'

'Heil Trump! Heil Knauss!' chanted the phalanx of Sturmabteilung behind him. 'Glory to the hit movie 'Melanoma'!'

Image credit: perchance.org