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Footballer with car accident injuries has crash overturned by VAR

A VAR review of a crash involving a Premier League player has decided the player did not in fact crash at all. ‘It was an act of simulation,’ said officials at St George’s Park, who oversee reality and confirm what’s true or isn’t. ‘There will be no police investigation and any treatment the player received in hospital is void.’


The player was found in the crunched-up position in the driver’s seat of his Mercedes-Maybach S 680 4Matic First Class on the B1457 outside Cringley-on-the-willow-on-the-hill groaning like he’d been shot. CCTV footage of the incident was immediately whisked to St George’s, home of the world’s most unforgiving Video Assisted Refereeing technology. True to form, it disagreed with the evidence of the police, ambulance service, and numerous witnesses, and waved traffic on.


Asked to respond to the furore surrounding the controversial decision, officials released audio of the decision being made in real time:


VAR: Possible crash.


Assistant referee 2: Give it.


Assistant referee 1: Coming back for the skid, mate.


VAR: Just checking the crash. Delay, delay.


Referee: Yeah, no worries mate.


Replay operator: So, here we are. Just get a tight angle.


VAR: 2D line on the bumper.


Replay operator: Yeah, OK. So 2D line on the bumper.


VAR: And stop. Check complete, check complete. That’s fine, perfect. No crash.


‘That should clear everything up,’ said the official.




VAR to be introduced for elections

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Following a record-breaking(ly stupid) petition calling for Britain’s 2024 general election to be rerun, it has been suggested that all future elections be subject to VAR.


The system, introduced in Premier League football a few years ago, has proved a joy killer, resulting in fans no longer celebrating when their team scores as they know it may be overturned. The nation waits with a sense of impending doom to see the same idea applied to something already as utterly joyless as a general election.


The other complaint about VAR, that it doesn’t really make decisions less subjective because the people reviewing the video footage are also human, may also apply here. For example, it’s been asked exactly what might cause VAR to declare an election result invalid and demand it be rerun.


'Well, for example, if the losing side said the winners had lied and their supporters were stupid to believe them,' said one proponent of the plan, before realising that happens at literally every election (and referendum).


In short, it’s an expensive, poorly thought through distraction from the real issues that will make worse the very problem it claims to solve. So it’s almost certain to be given the go ahead.


'All that remains is to find a company with no relevant experience or technology (but owned by a major party donor) to give the contract to.'


Due to system glitch Euro 24 VAR only allowing own goals


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Due to a bug in the VAR programme, the only way players can get a goal to stand at this year’s Euros is by sticking one in their own net, it has been reported.


From disallowing goals if a player is even standing on the same pitch as the opposition’s keeper, to calculating offside to within an eighth of an inch of an amoeba’s eyelash, VAR is cancelling goals left, right, and definitely centre of the six-yard box at this tournament. With the human video assistant referees seemingly more powerless to override the computer’s decisions than a wronged sub postmaster on Horizon, increasingly frustrated players are finding the only way to bypass the system is to deliberately score own goals just to get their name on the score board.


If the issue is not resolved before the last 16 matches, this year’s Golden Boot will be awarded to the player who scores the most goals to knock their own team out of the tournament. England are considered to have an unfair advantage under this scenario.




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