VAR to be introduced for elections

Following a record-breaking(ly stupid) petition calling for Britain’s 2024 general election to be rerun, it has been suggested that all future elections be subject to VAR.

The system, introduced in Premier League football a few years ago, has proved a joy killer, resulting in fans no longer celebrating when their team scores as they know it may be overturned. The nation waits with a sense of impending doom to see the same idea applied to something already as utterly joyless as a general election.

The other complaint about VAR, that it doesn’t really make decisions less subjective because the people reviewing the video footage are also human, may also apply here. For example, it’s been asked exactly what might cause VAR to declare an election result invalid and demand it be rerun.

'Well, for example, if the losing side said the winners had lied and their supporters were stupid to believe them,' said one proponent of the plan, before realising that happens at literally every election (and referendum).

In short, it’s an expensive, poorly thought through distraction from the real issues that will make worse the very problem it claims to solve. So it’s almost certain to be given the go ahead.

'All that remains is to find a company with no relevant experience or technology (but owned by a major party donor) to give the contract to.'

Image: Mohamed_hassan - Pixabay

Due to system glitch Euro 24 VAR only allowing own goals

Due to a bug in the VAR programme, the only way players can get a goal to stand at this year’s Euros is by sticking one in their own net, it has been reported.

From disallowing goals if a player is even standing on the same pitch as the opposition’s keeper, to calculating offside to within an eighth of an inch of an amoeba’s eyelash, VAR is cancelling goals left, right, and definitely centre of the six-yard box at this tournament. With the human video assistant referees seemingly more powerless to override the computer’s decisions than a wronged sub postmaster on Horizon, increasingly frustrated players are finding the only way to bypass the system is to deliberately score own goals just to get their name on the score board.

If the issue is not resolved before the last 16 matches, this year’s Golden Boot will be awarded to the player who scores the most goals to knock their own team out of the tournament. England are considered to have an unfair advantage under this scenario.

Image: planet_fox - Pixabay

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FIFA to open sponsorship talks with Beelzebub

Satan is reportedly in negotiations with FIFA to sponsor the football World Cup, with Hades likely to bid for the 2038 or 2042 event.

A FIFA spokesman said 'Football is universally loved, so we have taken it upon ourselves to universally ruin it. First VAR, now selling the game directly to the Devil. If the host country keeps the cash flowing, executing journalists and criminalising gay people is practically encouraged. I silence my conscience with cash.'

'Plus, hosting a football tournament in Hell means the workers who build the stadiums are already dead so they can't die again. Result! In fact some of them died building the Qatar 2018 venues, so they've got the relevant experience.'

A spokesdemon distanced the Dark Lord from the project however, noting that 'FIFA is a bit evil for our brand right now.'

author: stewartbarclay

image from pixabay