British Royal speaks out against senseless killing, VAR intervenes

Prince William took the unusual step of speaking out against mass murder in a former British colony, rather than conducting it - his family's more usual habit. To really show he was really serious, Wills then deployed both his chin and a pouty face.

Historian Shelley Stevenson spat out her tea at the news. 'Sorry, did he say against violence? Against? That can't be right. VAR can draw some lines if there’s a clear and obvious error, just like the British Empire liked to draw lines and then let other people deal with the consequences. India and Pakistan, the Palestinian Protectorate itself. How well did that go in the end?'

‘I’ve never pegged Prince William. As a serious political figure that is. Why are you laughing?’

When told why, Stevenson spat out her tea again.

Buckingham Palace - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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Jurgen Klopp arranging for more players’ family members to be kidnapped

Following Luis Diaz’s stoppage time goal against Luton Town, saving Liverpool from an embarrassing defeat by the Premier League minnows, manager Jurgen Klopp is said to be considering having more of his players’ family members kidnapped.

'Diaz never seemed to be giving his best before,' Klopp allegedly told reporters today. 'It’s clear that worrying about his father’s kidnap has really lit a fire under him.'

Sources suggest Klopp is planning the kidnapping of Mohammed Salah’s aunt, Diogo Jota’s nephew and Darwin Nunez’s pedigree cocker spaniel. Suggestions he might also take relatives of the match officials to gain leverage over them were dismissed as unnecessary by a Sky Sports spokesman. 'Clubs like Liverpool make us far more money than clubs like Luton, so the result was neVAR really in doubt.'

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/

Appointment of independent football regulator referred to VAR

In the midst of wild celebrations by real football fans at finally achieving a long-standing goal of having an independent regulator of the beautiful game, VAR has intervened once more. A slow impatient build-up led to the promise of someone taking hold of the game by the scruff of the neck. The support for that key player then arrived, creating the golden opportunity to make football better for everyone involved. Back of the net, or so everyone thought.

But the Premier League remain unconvinced that the goal should have ever stood in the first place. Determined to suck the hope out of football fans apart from the armchair ones who support the twenty football clubs that the Premier League consider are worth paying television subscriptions for, they are using the Video Assistant Referee (VAR) system to conspire with the government to take as long as possible to actually do anything.

‘VAR is there to address clear and obvious errors’ explained a Premier League spokesman. ‘And the appointment of someone to address the dodgy club owners, the all-consuming avarice and the blatant self-interest at the expense of the game would clearly and obviously be an error as far as we are concerned.’

Meanwhile, BT Sport have brought in former referee Peter Walton to comment. ‘What they are looking at is whether I will ever manage to have an opinion before the outcome is decided’ he explained. ‘Or whether I will wait until a decision is made and then agree with that.’

Image from Pixabay by Marco_Pomella