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FIFA to open sponsorship talks with Beelzebub

Satan is reportedly in negotiations with FIFA to sponsor the football World Cup, with Hades likely to bid for the 2038 or 2042 event.


A FIFA spokesman said 'Football is universally loved, so we have taken it upon ourselves to universally ruin it. First VAR, now selling the game directly to the Devil. If the host country keeps the cash flowing, executing journalists and criminalising gay people is practically encouraged. I silence my conscience with cash.'


'Plus, hosting a football tournament in Hell means the workers who build the stadiums are already dead so they can't die again. Result! In fact some of them died building the Qatar 2018 venues, so they've got the relevant experience.'


A spokesdemon distanced the Dark Lord from the project however, noting that 'FIFA is a bit evil for our brand right now.'


author: stewartbarclay

image from pixabay

British Royal speaks out against senseless killing, VAR intervenes

Prince William took the unusual step of speaking out against mass murder in a former British colony, rather than conducting it - his family's more usual habit. To really show he was really serious, Wills then deployed both his chin and a pouty face.


Historian Shelley Stevenson spat out her tea at the news. 'Sorry, did he say against violence? Against? That can't be right. VAR can draw some lines if there’s a clear and obvious error, just like the British Empire liked to draw lines and then let other people deal with the consequences. India and Pakistan, the Palestinian Protectorate itself. How well did that go in the end?'


‘I’ve never pegged Prince William. As a serious political figure that is. Why are you laughing?’


When told why, Stevenson spat out her tea again.




Jurgen Klopp arranging for more players’ family members to be kidnapped


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Following Luis Diaz’s stoppage time goal against Luton Town, saving Liverpool from an embarrassing defeat by the Premier League minnows, manager Jurgen Klopp is said to be considering having more of his players’ family members kidnapped.


'Diaz never seemed to be giving his best before,' Klopp allegedly told reporters today. 'It’s clear that worrying about his father’s kidnap has really lit a fire under him.'


Sources suggest Klopp is planning the kidnapping of Mohammed Salah’s aunt, Diogo Jota’s nephew and Darwin Nunez’s pedigree cocker spaniel. Suggestions he might also take relatives of the match officials to gain leverage over them were dismissed as unnecessary by a Sky Sports spokesman. 'Clubs like Liverpool make us far more money than clubs like Luton, so the result was neVAR really in doubt.'


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