Putin is probably miffed, suggests Ukraine defence ministry

'We're guessing here, because Vlad doesn't respond to messages on our WhatsApp group anymore, that he's a bit miffed over the explosion on his bridge.' said a spokesman for the Ukraine defence ministry.

'Yup, it looks like he's taking the whole thing personally,' said another spokesman. 'Wait until he finds out we've left an unflushed turd in his toilet and apple-turnovered his bedding. We also swapped his salt and sugar around, put itching powder in all his underpants and ordered a penis enlarger to be delivered to the Kremlin in his name - he's going to be really grumpy tomorrow.'

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Kwarteng receives Order of Lenin from Putin

'Wonderful work, Kwartengovich! You shall be a hero of the nation for this strike at the heart of the capitalistic right-wing lickspittle running dogs of the Carolean Empire! Bringing the UK economy to its knees in such a, may I borrow a phrase, blitzkrieg stroke, was indeed the work of an evil genius. Soon the UK Remainers will long for the days when luxuries like electricity, gas and food were matters of concern. And we shall invite the comrades of Brexit to join us in the new Russo-British Great Game. The Game shall, of course, be tiddlywinks, to be played with the remnants of the worthless Sterling currency. All hail, Comrade Kwasi!'

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If Putin were a woman I'd invade her, confesses Boris

Boris Johnson is "powerfully attracted" to the idea of Vladimir Putin as a woman, an aide to the UK Prime Minister suggested today. 'Forget Ukraine, I'd be invading Vladimira! he was reputed to have muttered, applying a blonde wig filter to news photos of the Russian President on his phone while waiting to speak at a press conference at the NATO summit in Madrid.

'Boris was complaining that there aren't enough women at these summits,' said the aide, 'especially after the prime ministers of both Sweden and Finland refused his offer for "special negotiations". We've tried to spin this as appreciating women's roles as peacemakers, after all that's something that female leaders like Indira Gandhi and Margaret Thatcher were famous for.'

Rumours that a Tory donor has been approached to fund "an op" for Putin have been denied, but Downing Street refused to comment on reports that Mr Johnson recently made a Zoom call to Putin and opened it with the words "is that a tank in my pocket or am I pleased to see you?"