'Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours, like me' croons Putin

The cancellation of the Australian soap Neighbours is now thought to be the primary motivation for the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

An aide to Putin said 'Vlad is a huge fan of Neighbours. He used to watch it twice a day, but he preferred it in the 1980s, much like the Soviet Union. He always used to sing along with the theme tune, you know, Neighbours... everybody needs good neighbours - like Russia! The show warmed the cockles of where his heart should be. Now it's being cancelled, he no longer believes good neighbours become good friends so the only possible alternative is invasion and the accompanying indiscriminate slaughter. Anyway who said nuclear war? Not me! Why are you always going on about nuclear war?'

Image: Pixabay/Pexels

Classic Russian Playbook' banned from children's libraries after invasion of Ukraine

Children's libraries across Europe are refusing to stock the 'Classic Russian Playbook' after it became clear that Putin was using it to plan and execute a full-scale invasion of Ukraine.

"The American President and others have been saying for weeks that Putin's invasion of Ukraine was following the 'Classic Russian Playbook", said the head of the UK Librarian's Association today.

"At first, we found it very difficult to believe that Russia would use a children's book as the focus of an invasion plan, but when we checked the contents, we were quite shocked."

Extracts from the book include:

'This is Vladimir.'

'Vladimir is scared.'

'Vladimir likes playing pretend.'

'Vladimir sits at a very, very long table.'

'Vladimir has surrounded a friendly country with tanks and missiles to the north, east and south.'

'Vladimir pretends to support separatist regions as a pretext for invasion.'

The EU's chief of libraries is withdrawing the book immediately as a precaution against 'giving any other kids ideas.'

London Mayor insists Russian tanks will pay the congestion charge like everyone else

Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, has warned President Putin that if his tanks arrive in the UK shortly after demolishing Ukraine and the rest of Europe, he'll pay a heavy price.

'We're not just talking about increasing the service charge on the multi-million-pound apartments snapped up by filthy rich oligarchs. No, we're going to hit Putin where it hurts. His 50-ton tanks all run on diesel, so they'll be paying the full £15.00 charge a day. I can't see any proposed invasion of the UK lasting that long while it incurs significant levels of costs.

'I've also spoken to TFL and the unions to organise tube and bus strikes as soon as the tanks and soldiers reach London. They won't be able to bully Islington and Kensington into submission if they can't travel anywhere, will they? However, if they behave themselves and services are restored, we could issue them with Oyster cards. They'd then be able to take advantage of off-peak and discounted rates as we could classify them as being on work placement in the capital.'

image from pixabay