Digital ID to include Clubcard points

The government has added more information to the proposed mandatory Digital ID that will include the name, address, phone number, and NI Number for each citizen and will be necessary for starting a new job and being fired from an existing one, whilst replacing the Driving License, Passport and library ticket at the same time.  Citizens will be able to pay their Council Tax, Income Tax, Car Tax, Water Rates, utility bills and library fines using the card, which will be linked to all their bank accounts, investments, Premium Bonds, Lottery account and anything hidden under the mattress.

'We're in talks with Tesco and other supermarkets to include Clubcard point, Asda Rewards, Boots Advantage points and M&S gold plated vouchers.  Waitrose are expected to launch their own Digital ID just for their own customers.  Lidl will not feature on the new ID unless and until the UK re-joins the EU, obviously,' said a government spokesman today.  'You'll even be able to pay speeding fines using your Nectar points, using the card,' he added.

The government insists that the new Digital ID will only be needed for being employed and the other 'bits and pieces' are 'just in case', but added 'good luck with surviving without one.'

Image: Samuel Regan-Asante (@reganography) | Unsplash Photo Community

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Babycham is not making a comeback

Despite a culture in constant expectation of its imminent return as a fun, light, sociable tipple favoured by women, Babycham does not appear to be regaining popularity in 2025. The sparkling perry was a staple of the popular imaginations from that period in the 1970s where colour TV was a settled phenomenon through the 1980s when the masses also relaxed into the notion of wealth accumulation being the basic human sport. But it is not making a comeback.

Babycham is not making a comeback. The drink, a sort of fizzy fruit-tinged Ur alcopop redolent of those first steps into early adulthood, is available for purchase in the Asdas, Tescos, and Morrisons of this world, but is yet to make the massive inroads into Waitrose that comeback status demands. Just to repeat: Babycham is not making a comeback.

Babycham is not making a comeback. The drink, which Disney-magic-of-Christmas-like features a what appears to be female ‘baby’ deer on its oh-I’ll-just-grab-oneable label, served as a sort of free-heroin-wrapper-at-the-school-gates gateway drug into a world of mainly UK based alcoholic youthful coming out ceremonies. But it is yet to show signs of making a popular comeback.

Babycham is not making a comeback. Despite the products deft combination of green, glass, and alcohol, the public demands of stealthy drink from home and lie about your intake to friends and researchers consumption style of 2025 militate against Babycham’s markedly social dance-round-your-handbags-in-stillettos and talk face-to-face with other humans in reality drinking vibe. And so it is not making a comeback.

When reached for comment, a Babycham marketing and promotions firebrand quietly conceded that, ‘While we would maintain that Babycham continues to be a much-loved cornerstone of the UK alcoholic drinks market, we agree that Babycham is not yet at that promotional fork in the road that would indicate that we have made what could be termed a market comeback,’ all but confirming that Babycham is not making a comeback.

image from pixabay

Supermarket gets 'down and dirty' to lure in value conscious customers

One of the country’s large supermarket chains is making new efforts to lure in shoppers looking for bargains.

‘We know that life is tough,’ said a spokeman. ‘Our bills are going up all the time and its probably the same for our customers.

‘We are adjusting our retail proposition to reflect how tough things are. Shoppers need bargains.  There’s no loyalty any more.  Cheapest sausage wins.

‘Our re-modelled stores will strongly signal our value-led proposition. The stores will be cold, so wear a thick coat. Or buy one on the way round. The lights will be dim, so you can’t read the small print on your ultra-processed ready meals.  Tinned goods will have foreign labels, which makes them look cheap straight away.  Our fruit and veg will have a homely, no-nonsense, kicked-about-a-bit vibe.

‘As shoppers can’t afford real food, we will have pallets of cheap stuff – strange rubbery sweets, off brand chocolates, Bulgarian lager and unusually flavoured potato-based snack substitutes. We will show that the stuff is cheap by selling it straight from the cardboard boxes. We can’t afford to pay staff to put stuff on shelves any more.

‘We don’t want to embarrass our customers about things they can’t afford, so we will be removing 'aspirational' products. That’s basically anything that Waitrose sells.

‘We are going back to basics - booze, pastry, stodge and fat. We are targeting shoppers with a BMI over 30, or a family BMI over 120.   These people eat more stuff and they buy more stuff, so it makes commercial sense.  Skinny dieters can buy our overpriced slimming meals if they want, but they aren’t a key demographic for us any more.

‘We will also be reducing in store cleaning, to make the shops a bit dirtier, so it looks like we are making savings too.   Puddles of stuff in the aisles will make shopping a bit more of an adventure.  We will also be hiring more unkempt and slightly threatening staff - so customers know we don't waste money on them.  We will be retain the customer support desks, but we won’t be staffing them.

‘Finally, I’d like to talk about pricing.   Some people have suggested that a ‘value’ offer should include lower prices.  Given that the government has massively increased our wage bill and property costs, I must make it clear that the one thing we won't be doing is cutting prices.  We will, in fact, be raising prices, with the aim of fuelling inflation and teaching the government a solid lesson in basic economics.’

image from pixabay