'Cost of living crisis is over' announces unknown Think Tank

Society has been left surprised yet enthralled by the revelation that the cost of living crisis is now over.

'We realised that it's only a 'cost of living crisis' because that's what we call it,' said a spokesperson from PipeDream, another think tank no one has heard about until now, 'if we just, you know, stop calling it a cost of living crisis and say that's it's over, then everything will be better.'

'Obviously this news has surprised us, but we are overjoyed,' said a stunned one close aide to the Prime Minister, 'we began to check the numbers, and then realised that we don't need to check the numbers - we can just say it's not a crisis and everyone will just... forget? I can't believe we didn't think of this sooner.'

PipeDream went on to suggest the entire situation has been one big misunderstanding. 'We don't believe there was ever a crisis to begin with,' they said to a bewildered audience industry movers and shakers, 'Our research strongly indicates this crisis was due to a typo. It should have been a 'cost of living CRUISES', and we recommend that the government immediately partner-up with P&O to rectify this national grievance.'

However, not everyone has been convinced by this revelation. Steve, from 'the local back alley' stated, 'Errr, I'm not being funny, but I'm still homeless and I don't know where my next meal will come from. Still, it's nice to know there's no longer a national crisis - just a personal one. Can you spare any change?'

The aide continued, 'we have already opened applications for the inevitable demand for street parties that'll swarm the nation due to this fantastic news. I hear Waitrose has an excellent party platter, and now we can now all finally afford it. Rejoice!'

Story: Edward Bartholomew Tetanus Bag

Photo by Ben Hershey on Unsplash

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Digital ID to include Clubcard points

The government has added more information to the proposed mandatory Digital ID that will include the name, address, phone number, and NI Number for each citizen and will be necessary for starting a new job and being fired from an existing one, whilst replacing the Driving License, Passport and library ticket at the same time.  Citizens will be able to pay their Council Tax, Income Tax, Car Tax, Water Rates, utility bills and library fines using the card, which will be linked to all their bank accounts, investments, Premium Bonds, Lottery account and anything hidden under the mattress.

'We're in talks with Tesco and other supermarkets to include Clubcard point, Asda Rewards, Boots Advantage points and M&S gold plated vouchers.  Waitrose are expected to launch their own Digital ID just for their own customers.  Lidl will not feature on the new ID unless and until the UK re-joins the EU, obviously,' said a government spokesman today.  'You'll even be able to pay speeding fines using your Nectar points, using the card,' he added.

The government insists that the new Digital ID will only be needed for being employed and the other 'bits and pieces' are 'just in case', but added 'good luck with surviving without one.'

Image: Samuel Regan-Asante (@reganography) | Unsplash Photo Community

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Babycham is not making a comeback

Despite a culture in constant expectation of its imminent return as a fun, light, sociable tipple favoured by women, Babycham does not appear to be regaining popularity in 2025. The sparkling perry was a staple of the popular imaginations from that period in the 1970s where colour TV was a settled phenomenon through the 1980s when the masses also relaxed into the notion of wealth accumulation being the basic human sport. But it is not making a comeback.

Babycham is not making a comeback. The drink, a sort of fizzy fruit-tinged Ur alcopop redolent of those first steps into early adulthood, is available for purchase in the Asdas, Tescos, and Morrisons of this world, but is yet to make the massive inroads into Waitrose that comeback status demands. Just to repeat: Babycham is not making a comeback.

Babycham is not making a comeback. The drink, which Disney-magic-of-Christmas-like features a what appears to be female ‘baby’ deer on its oh-I’ll-just-grab-oneable label, served as a sort of free-heroin-wrapper-at-the-school-gates gateway drug into a world of mainly UK based alcoholic youthful coming out ceremonies. But it is yet to show signs of making a popular comeback.

Babycham is not making a comeback. Despite the products deft combination of green, glass, and alcohol, the public demands of stealthy drink from home and lie about your intake to friends and researchers consumption style of 2025 militate against Babycham’s markedly social dance-round-your-handbags-in-stillettos and talk face-to-face with other humans in reality drinking vibe. And so it is not making a comeback.

When reached for comment, a Babycham marketing and promotions firebrand quietly conceded that, ‘While we would maintain that Babycham continues to be a much-loved cornerstone of the UK alcoholic drinks market, we agree that Babycham is not yet at that promotional fork in the road that would indicate that we have made what could be termed a market comeback,’ all but confirming that Babycham is not making a comeback.

image from pixabay