Decision to stand and fight or seek safety same as trying to choose wallpaper patterns insists PM

Boris Johnson is reported to have said that he sympathises with Ukrainians torn between fighting the invading Russian army or seeking safety in a neighbouring country as he has had to face similar agonising decisions himself in recent days.

‘Fretting over which wallpaper to choose for the rooms at No10 cost the PM many sleepless nights', a concrned Johnson was alleged to have said. 'So I know from first hand experience how difficult it can be to make those important life changing decisions. But it brought Carrie and I even closer together…our Blitz spirit got us through those long sleepless nights of indecision and worry.'

'Choosing the wrong wallpaper is something we would all have to live with and I was not prepared to put my family through such an ordeal.'

'Living with the wrong wallpaper day after day is similar to risking your life in a war. I’m sure the Ukrainian people would agree with me on that.'

'Which is why we turned to Lulu for help….a bit like how Ukraine has turned to us for help with their current predicament.'

'Thanks to Brexit we were able to choose our own wallpaper and did not have to seek approval from EU overlords as we always had to in the past.', the PM is said to have concluded.

Image: Pixabay/Carola68

New clause added to government fuel payments loan

Tory scientists have informed the chancellor that each human body contains 0.2mg of gold plus numerous other precious trace elements. As a consequence, anyone taking advantage of the fuel loan is now obliged to sign a form that allows the government to melt their body down to extract the bullion it contains in the event they default on the loan repayments.

Babies under three months have more gold in their hair than older people. This comes from their mother’s breast milk and can reach double the average concentration of gold in Earth’s crust, so it's been suggested by the Home Secretary that the elderly may wish to babysit their grandchildren more frequently and hand them over if their pensions don't cover the loan repayments.

Labour has opposed this move, saying there's enough gold in human excrement for the chancellor to recover if he's prepared to rummage around in it to get his money back.

Image: Pixabay/istara

Ukraine visas: successful entrants also awarded a degree

It has emerged that the application process for a UK visa for people fleeing the Russian armed forces is more stringent and demanding than some university assignments.

As a result anybody who makes it to the UK will receive an honours degree in Administrative Affairs from John Moores University and a KitKat. On the negative side, they will have to go to Liverpool to collect their diploma. Unsuccessful applicants will still receive the KitKat, proving that Her Majesty’s Government isn’t as tight-fisted as Yvette Cooper has been claiming.

“Let nobody call this government heartless” Priti Patel is alleged to have said, according to sources who watched her calmly observing some captive mice vainly trying to flee her extended claws. “Not only will successful applicants be able to reside here until most of the bombing has stopped, but the Darwinian nature of the process will yield a race of superior administrators. And also some dead people, obvs”.

In other news, Churchill’s grave continues to emit a mysterious whirring sound

Image: Pixabay/mamir_k94