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‘I needed to take a dump’ says Streeting


Health Secretary Wes Streeting insisted he only spent 20 minutes with the Prime Minister at Downing Street yesterday morning because he needed to take a dump.


Streeting said the impromptu call was a result of a particularly spicy prawn jalfrezi that had triggered a violent bowel movement soon after leaving the house.


‘Me and a couple of mates stopped off for a few beers on the way home from work and ended up in the local curry house’ said Wes ‘…..it absolutely trashed my insides this morning. I was in the Downing Street area and decided I could just about make the downstairs toilet before soiling myself.


'I only saw Keir for a brief moment …..I had run out of toilet paper, and he passed me a roll under the door.


'On the way out I said ‘I'd give it five minutes if I were you’…..he wasn’t very pleased. I think he thought I meant five minutes before resigning, but I meant five minutes for the jalfrezi to clear.



Image credit: Wix AI

Man who hammered face said it was just like voting Labour


Extreme masculinity trends have been likened to the devastating effects of supporting a bunch of genocidal crooks. And destroying yourself to appear more manly, sounds like Labour's foreign policy.


A man who crushed his testicles in a vice said it was like meeting Yvette Cooper for the first time. Another said being pumped full of illegal steroids was less risky than trusting Wes Streeting with the NHS.


One man, who'd had his brains smashed out with a polo mallet, was asked how he felt, he said, 'Dunno, I'm the Prime Minister.'




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