National Service for Over-50's Approved

Following a YouGov poll showing that the majority of over-50's supported the reintroduction of National Service, the government has made the decision to reintroduce the form of conscription last seen in 1960.

"As the Prime Minister said yesterday, defence has changed in the past few years," said Admiral Insurance, head of recruitment for the Ministry of Defence. "When we've looked at jobs in the modern armed services, age is actually an advantage rather than a detriment. The over 50's are the only demographic to have a great deal of at-sea experience thanks to their predilection for Cruise Holidays; all we have to do is ensure there's a shuffleboard deck and we'll have filled the Royal Navy and Auxiliary."

Passing over to his deputy, Commodore Amiga, the MoD went into further details, telling us, "We've essentially reversed EDI policies and are after White British Men; in particular those who drive White Vans for a living. We believe their ability to find gaps where none rightly exist and their suicidal tendencies on the motorway make them perfect drone pilots for kamikaze missions."

At Clacton's branch of Wetherspoons, reaction to the news was a mixture of shock and horror. "Well, I just wanted to see Nancy-boys crying as they got their pink hair shaved off and a Sergeant-Major yelled at them," said one patron now facing deployment under the new policy. "I thought this generation needed toughening up. The Army wouldn't want me, I fainted watching Full Metal Jacket."

image from pixabay

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Wetherspoons fear profits could suffer under stricter PIP rules

A spokesman for Wetherspoons Pubs today asked the Government to rethink stricter PIP rules which they believe unfairly disadvantages their regular clients.

Inviting Wes Streeting to visit his local Wetherspoons, the Spokesman say he will meet drinkers or lager enthusiasts as we like to call them that that rely on PIP to keep their hydration levels up. Drinking from 11am to 7pm doesn’t come cheap and if you add in a quick Chicken Tikka, costs soon mount up.

Giving an example, he said, Big Dave (not his real name), is only slowly recovering from being triggered when a so called friend suggested that Dave could apply for a job at his local Tesco.

Despite being fully aware of Dave’s deep seated phobia of work, the friend went onto list the shifts available, some starting from as early as 10am, Dave is only now after intensive counselling starting to feel confident enough to leave the safety of his favourite booth.

What rubs salt into the wound says Wetherspoons is that all our drinkers feel betrayed, they all Voted Reform only to be stabbed in the back by Labour.

Photo by George Bakos on Unsplash

Reform Uk convinces Tim Martin to bring back the Monday Club to Wetherspoons

A popular event in the Wetherspoons weekly calendar that was curtailed before the 2019 election was the Monday Club. It had originally been devised as a way of cheering up piss artists who were dismayed by the fact that Brexit had at at some point been touch and go; and get enjoy cheap booze in Tim Martin's company, with the occasional accompaniment of other piss artists like Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson puking on the carpets to prove they were men of the people too.

However in 2019, a political advisor asked "Do you know what the Monday Club was about in Conservative Party history?" and advised that although it was the way the party was heading back to, it would be unwise to remind people.

So in 2019, Wetherspoons dropped the Monday Club from its weekly attractions, but it didn't stop MPs like Richard Drax and Jacob Rees Mogg turning up on Mondays in the hope of sharing discussions about where Hitler went wrong.

It is alleged that Reform Uk has promised Tim Martin free adverting on GB News for a relaunch of the Monday Club, with videos of notable Monday Club members' speeches from yesteryear as entertainment.

Our entertainment correspondent said he is looking forward to the opportunity of watching these old videos, as it can't be worse that having to watch GB News at home to report the bollocks back to Newbiscuit, but he's a bit anxious about if he make it as far as wherever the loo is in Wetherspoons, or if he will need to piss on the carpet with the likes of the riff-raff, such as Drax and Rees Mogg.

Image: Christian_Birkholz - Pixabay

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