Reform Uk convinces Tim Martin to bring back the Monday Club to Wetherspoons

A popular event in the Wetherspoons weekly calendar that was curtailed before the 2019 election was the Monday Club. It had originally been devised as a way of cheering up piss artists who were dismayed by the fact that Brexit had at at some point been touch and go; and get enjoy cheap booze in Tim Martin's company, with the occasional accompaniment of other piss artists like Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson puking on the carpets to prove they were men of the people too.

However in 2019, a political advisor asked "Do you know what the Monday Club was about in Conservative Party history?" and advised that although it was the way the party was heading back to, it would be unwise to remind people.

So in 2019, Wetherspoons dropped the Monday Club from its weekly attractions, but it didn't stop MPs like Richard Drax and Jacob Rees Mogg turning up on Mondays in the hope of sharing discussions about where Hitler went wrong.

It is alleged that Reform Uk has promised Tim Martin free adverting on GB News for a relaunch of the Monday Club, with videos of notable Monday Club members' speeches from yesteryear as entertainment.

Our entertainment correspondent said he is looking forward to the opportunity of watching these old videos, as it can't be worse that having to watch GB News at home to report the bollocks back to Newbiscuit, but he's a bit anxious about if he make it as far as wherever the loo is in Wetherspoons, or if he will need to piss on the carpet with the likes of the riff-raff, such as Drax and Rees Mogg.

Image: Christian_Birkholz - Pixabay

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Livers 'missing us already'

With Dry January soon to be a thing of the past, livers up and down the country are bracing for a very, very Wet February.  'It's all very well our owners abstaining from alcohol after sobering up on the 4th or 5th of January, but it inevitably leads to trepidation in the liver world,' said a spokes-liver today. 

'At first it is rather nice to only have to filtrate tea and coffee, to purify relatively clean blood etc, but to be fair it gets a little humdrum for those of us used to battling constantly seven nights a week against the hard stuff.  Then there is the deconditioning - by the end of the Christmas break we're Premier League match fit, but by the start of February we start getting palpitations thinking about the first slug of the evening, or afternoon, or breakfast as some Wetherspoon regulars call it.

'Then some of us start to get nervous, feeling fear as the day approaches.  Some doctors diagnose this at the DTs, as if it is withdrawal, but it's a mix of under-confidence mixed with excitement - will it be a low ABV beer or a full throttle whisky?  Cocktails, shots, a bottle of red or a swift half followed by a snifter.  Or maybe all of the above mixed in a two-pint jug and sunk in one gulp,' said the spokes-liver with its liver-fingers crossed.

'You'll have to excuse me,' the spokes-liver said, 'I've just learned that I'm twice the size of a normal liver.  That's good news for my human, because he does like to drink rather a lot.'

Photo by Amie Johnson on Unsplash

Just Stop Oil blocks gassy man’s route to Wetherspoons toilet

Last Sunday, during the mile-long route to a Wetherspoons bathroom, a man with a lot of flatulence reportedly encountered a congregation of ‘Just Stop Oil’ members protesting his gassy visit to the toilet.

‘I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. They were in a line, sitting cross-legged with a banner draped over them. It looked like some members were glued down, but that could have just been cause the floors were really sticky.’

Eyewitnesses saw the man try to forcibly remove some of the protestors before farting in their faces and jogging out the door to a nearby Caffè Nero. One of the protestors spoke to press about the small-scale demonstration:

‘We have to start somewhere. If you were to look at carbon production in the immediate vicinity a significant proportion can be attributed to this man’s bowel movements. We have a right to protest anyone dumping more waste onto the planet, especially if it's the excrement from this man splattered all over a Wetherspoons cubicle.’

Following the news, another set of Just Stop Oil protesters reportedly sat down the aisle of an aeroplane to prevent toilet use during a long-haul flight.

Image: Pixabay/danielkirsch