Just Stop Oil blocks gassy man’s route to Wetherspoons toilet

Last Sunday, during the mile-long route to a Wetherspoons bathroom, a man with a lot of flatulence reportedly encountered a congregation of ‘Just Stop Oil’ members protesting his gassy visit to the toilet.

‘I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. They were in a line, sitting cross-legged with a banner draped over them. It looked like some members were glued down, but that could have just been cause the floors were really sticky.’

Eyewitnesses saw the man try to forcibly remove some of the protestors before farting in their faces and jogging out the door to a nearby Caffè Nero. One of the protestors spoke to press about the small-scale demonstration:

‘We have to start somewhere. If you were to look at carbon production in the immediate vicinity a significant proportion can be attributed to this man’s bowel movements. We have a right to protest anyone dumping more waste onto the planet, especially if it's the excrement from this man splattered all over a Wetherspoons cubicle.’

Following the news, another set of Just Stop Oil protesters reportedly sat down the aisle of an aeroplane to prevent toilet use during a long-haul flight.

Image: Pixabay/danielkirsch

Government plans to give food vouchers to obese people

Health Chiefs are considering a scheme where obese people who lose weight are rewarded with supermarket vouchers.

A spokesman for the Department of Health said, “We think this incentive is an excellent way to encourage those who are overweight to drop a few pounds. Of course, we realise there is a chance the fat b*stards will spend the vouchers on cakes and biscuits - but as most supermarkets display their fresh fruit and veg near the store entrance, the lazy lard-arses will have to walk past all that to get to the unhealthy food, so at least they’ll have had a bit of extra exercise.”

When asked if the government was concerned about the burden of obesity related illnesses on the NHS, the spokesman said, “Not really - have you seen how long NHS waiting lists are now? Most of the fat f*ckers will probably have eaten themselves to death, or grown too big to leave the house long before they’ve got any chance of being seen by a doctor.”

The government is also considering rewarding people who cut down their alcohol consumption with Wetherspoons vouchers.

Image: mohamed_hassan | Pixabay

Man finds a use for SOHCAHTOA at aged 33

Brian Belter, 33, struggled to understand Pythagoras' Theorem, let alone SOHCAHTOA in school, along with quadratic and simultaneous equations. 'I couldn't see where I'd use them,' he admitted today. 'They seemed thought out, fair enough, but pretty useless to a guy like me bent on a career working in Wetherspoons,' said the bartender, now in his sixteenth year working for the pub chain.

'I'm a manager now, hiring and firing, sorting out orders, checking the till receipts, fudging the bouncer paperwork, but I didn't need anything other than the arithmetic I learned in junior school,' he added. 'The rest,' he added, 'is bollocks, frankly.'

Then he had a customer ask for a pitcher of Harvey Wallbanger with the straw being covered for 23cm exactly when delivered. 'It was a City crowd, pin striped suits, clearly on a dare from his well-heeled friends. I wasn't going to pander to them so I measured the height of the cocktail, the distance of the straw from the base and applied the equations Mr Grimshaw hammered into me to work out the hypotenuse. A few re-calcs sorted out the errors and I got the angle dead right. What a waste of time,' he added.

'Just after they ordered that silly round one of my bartenders came to me with another problem, from some drinkers suffering from the financial issues. He said, 'if they have two pints and five halves for £15.23 or four pints and three halves at £18.33, how much is a pint of beer?

'I told them to f*ck off, obviously.'