Livers 'missing us already'

With Dry January soon to be a thing of the past, livers up and down the country are bracing for a very, very Wet February.  'It's all very well our owners abstaining from alcohol after sobering up on the 4th or 5th of January, but it inevitably leads to trepidation in the liver world,' said a spokes-liver today. 

'At first it is rather nice to only have to filtrate tea and coffee, to purify relatively clean blood etc, but to be fair it gets a little humdrum for those of us used to battling constantly seven nights a week against the hard stuff.  Then there is the deconditioning - by the end of the Christmas break we're Premier League match fit, but by the start of February we start getting palpitations thinking about the first slug of the evening, or afternoon, or breakfast as some Wetherspoon regulars call it.

'Then some of us start to get nervous, feeling fear as the day approaches.  Some doctors diagnose this at the DTs, as if it is withdrawal, but it's a mix of under-confidence mixed with excitement - will it be a low ABV beer or a full throttle whisky?  Cocktails, shots, a bottle of red or a swift half followed by a snifter.  Or maybe all of the above mixed in a two-pint jug and sunk in one gulp,' said the spokes-liver with its liver-fingers crossed.

'You'll have to excuse me,' the spokes-liver said, 'I've just learned that I'm twice the size of a normal liver.  That's good news for my human, because he does like to drink rather a lot.'

Photo by Amie Johnson on Unsplash

Just Stop Oil blocks gassy man’s route to Wetherspoons toilet

Last Sunday, during the mile-long route to a Wetherspoons bathroom, a man with a lot of flatulence reportedly encountered a congregation of ‘Just Stop Oil’ members protesting his gassy visit to the toilet.

‘I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. They were in a line, sitting cross-legged with a banner draped over them. It looked like some members were glued down, but that could have just been cause the floors were really sticky.’

Eyewitnesses saw the man try to forcibly remove some of the protestors before farting in their faces and jogging out the door to a nearby Caffè Nero. One of the protestors spoke to press about the small-scale demonstration:

‘We have to start somewhere. If you were to look at carbon production in the immediate vicinity a significant proportion can be attributed to this man’s bowel movements. We have a right to protest anyone dumping more waste onto the planet, especially if it's the excrement from this man splattered all over a Wetherspoons cubicle.’

Following the news, another set of Just Stop Oil protesters reportedly sat down the aisle of an aeroplane to prevent toilet use during a long-haul flight.

Image: Pixabay/danielkirsch

Government plans to give food vouchers to obese people

Health Chiefs are considering a scheme where obese people who lose weight are rewarded with supermarket vouchers.

A spokesman for the Department of Health said, “We think this incentive is an excellent way to encourage those who are overweight to drop a few pounds. Of course, we realise there is a chance the fat b*stards will spend the vouchers on cakes and biscuits - but as most supermarkets display their fresh fruit and veg near the store entrance, the lazy lard-arses will have to walk past all that to get to the unhealthy food, so at least they’ll have had a bit of extra exercise.”

When asked if the government was concerned about the burden of obesity related illnesses on the NHS, the spokesman said, “Not really - have you seen how long NHS waiting lists are now? Most of the fat f*ckers will probably have eaten themselves to death, or grown too big to leave the house long before they’ve got any chance of being seen by a doctor.”

The government is also considering rewarding people who cut down their alcohol consumption with Wetherspoons vouchers.

Image: mohamed_hassan | Pixabay