McSweeney's phone stolen by Yeti

The disgraced Chief of Staff insisted that it would be impossible to recover, as it had been abducted by aliens, swallowed by the Loch Ness Monster and had dropped through a wormhole in space. The phone, which contained incriminating messages, was unavoidably unavailable and would remain so "if it knew what was good for it".

Cynics suggested McSweeney was covering up evidence, and that Yetis preferred Android devices to iPhones. Nevertheless, the phone is utterly gone, along with Lord Lucan's filofax and Amelia Earhart's fidget spinner.

Police blamed their failure to properly investigate, on pixies and their usual corruption. It does mean we may never properly know the truth of whether the Labour Government were a bunch of crooks or if they were a bunch of crooks with WhatsApp.

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Man discovers there's an election on

Mike Davies, forty-two from Northwich, has just discovered that he is expected to vote today.

'Nobody told me the government had called an election, there wasn't anything in the newspapers apart from a few cryptic headlines, and apparently I must have junked the polling card into the recycling because I haven't seen it anywhere,' he said today.

Despite claiming to be politically active, Mr Davies says his wife hadn't mentioned anything and as she had double-booked all his normal Conservative Association meetings for the last month he hadn't been anywhere near the club.  'I'm sure someone would have mentioned it if I'd popped in,' he said.

Mike claims to being 'quite tech savvy' but unfortunately his WhatsApp messages and groups seem to have been lost, as have all his email and phone contacts.  His wife, who is a tech consultant, is trying to retrieve all his data and has loaned him a brick phone until she gets his up and running.

'It's taken an age but she's very busy, she's out walking a lot in that orange tabard she's taken to wearing when out and about - hi viz I guess, safety first - and has been delivering leaflets advertising community events or something.  She reckons she'll have my phone sorted by Friday, so I'll be able to check the results then.  Meanwhile I need to work out how to get to my polling station, which apparently is one hundred and sixteen miles away and she's booked to take her mum out all day leaving me carless.

'Never mind, I'll get there and vote Tory as usual.  I'm sure she's sorted something out for herself,' he said.

Nicola Sturgeon failed to pass semaphore messages to enquiry

Following a furore regarding the failure to retain WhatsApp messages sent and received during the pandemic, the Scottish First Minister at the time explained that unlike the London based government she didn't use WhatsApp for official messages and had set her phone to auto delete messages including the controversial Scottish Country dancing group, Scottish not so young bakers group and several groups related to virtual birthday parties.  All the messages have been provided to the enquiry via other respondents in each group including the motorhome group exchanges, which are being poured over by an unusually large number of researchers for reasons not yet understood.

Critics of the then First Minister have not been assuaged by the revelation that she used official channels for all formal communications and had contemporaneous and handwritten notes copied to the official files, and have asked for further evidence that she didn't pass every passing thought to the enquiry, including an allegation that senior SNP officials used semaphore as a means to pass messages they didn't want making public, despite requiring the senders and receivers needing to stand on public hilltops in Scotland in plain sight. 

A spokesman commented that flag waving was something 'Miss Sturgeon did do at the time, but not to convey messages related to the pandemic response'.

There is an underlying belief by some that the First Minister may have got around formal records requirements by relaying messages through the medium of interpretive dance, however the spokesman suggested they might be getting confused with the UK MP, Theresa May.

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