Johnson worried about "Happy Birthday, from Dad" WhatsApp messages being counted

Ex-prime minister, leading Brexit cheerleader and Vileda Mop model, Boris Johnson, is holding on to his WhatsApp messages until he can delete the numerous messages that say "Happy Birthday, from Dad".

If released, the messages sent in the space of a year could theoretically be counted, and the number of children fathered by the serial breeder may finally be known. However, leading statisticians say it would be unlikely as the computing power needed to filter through the rest of his bloviating, and to then calculate the number of happy birthday messages would exceed that used to run and manager the Large Hadron Collider.

Known offspring of the former Prime Minister, Foreign Secretary and Zipwire Dangler include Lara, Milo, Wilfred Frank, Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Tinky-Winky.

Johnson has so far refused to admit to the number of children he has and the release of these messages may end up becoming an embarrassment for the up until now unembarrassable. Speculation has already started on Twitter into the name of some of his other children.

Jeremy Vine took to the platform to urge children of Johnson's to publicly come forward to stop innocent people being linked with the story.

"It's not fair to those being falsely named to have their reputations dragged through the mud" Vine said. "Even Huw Edwards had to distance himself from sharing DNA with Boris"

We have tried to contact some of those in the frame. So far, Mr Blobby has refused to comment.

story: jamespluside

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First published 17 Jul 2023

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McSweeney's phone stolen by Yeti

The disgraced Chief of Staff insisted that it would be impossible to recover, as it had been abducted by aliens, swallowed by the Loch Ness Monster and had dropped through a wormhole in space. The phone, which contained incriminating messages, was unavoidably unavailable and would remain so "if it knew what was good for it".

Cynics suggested McSweeney was covering up evidence, and that Yetis preferred Android devices to iPhones. Nevertheless, the phone is utterly gone, along with Lord Lucan's filofax and Amelia Earhart's fidget spinner.

Police blamed their failure to properly investigate, on pixies and their usual corruption. It does mean we may never properly know the truth of whether the Labour Government were a bunch of crooks or if they were a bunch of crooks with WhatsApp.

image by Grok

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Man discovers there's an election on

Mike Davies, forty-two from Northwich, has just discovered that he is expected to vote today.

'Nobody told me the government had called an election, there wasn't anything in the newspapers apart from a few cryptic headlines, and apparently I must have junked the polling card into the recycling because I haven't seen it anywhere,' he said today.

Despite claiming to be politically active, Mr Davies says his wife hadn't mentioned anything and as she had double-booked all his normal Conservative Association meetings for the last month he hadn't been anywhere near the club.  'I'm sure someone would have mentioned it if I'd popped in,' he said.

Mike claims to being 'quite tech savvy' but unfortunately his WhatsApp messages and groups seem to have been lost, as have all his email and phone contacts.  His wife, who is a tech consultant, is trying to retrieve all his data and has loaned him a brick phone until she gets his up and running.

'It's taken an age but she's very busy, she's out walking a lot in that orange tabard she's taken to wearing when out and about - hi viz I guess, safety first - and has been delivering leaflets advertising community events or something.  She reckons she'll have my phone sorted by Friday, so I'll be able to check the results then.  Meanwhile I need to work out how to get to my polling station, which apparently is one hundred and sixteen miles away and she's booked to take her mum out all day leaving me carless.

'Never mind, I'll get there and vote Tory as usual.  I'm sure she's sorted something out for herself,' he said.