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White House down


In the most damage done yet by an enemy of America, Donald Thump has turned the White House into a pile of rouble, sorry.., rubble.


A spokes-denier said, 'No, nothing has happened and everything is fine. I SAID NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND EVERYTHING IS FINE. That noise? No, that's nothing, and certainly not collapsing masonry. And definitely not symbolic of what we're doing to the entire country.


'That missing entire front wall of the East Wing was like that when we got here. 


'Those massive diggers and bulldoz... oh for farages sake... it's the fault of staff taking pictures. Otherwise, no one would have noticed.


'Okay, okay, okay. Look, it's the White House, so it was a blank canvas to work with. The President is just putting his Trumpstamp on it.


'It's going to be the bigliest most decadent ballsup... I mean ballroom... I can't faraging think straight with all this racket going on.'


An upgraded spokes-denier with earplugs appeared through clouds of demolition dust to continue.


'The plans for the grand ballroom will not in any way impact on the integrity of the White House,' confirmed Russia. 'Maybe we build safe sanctuary for underage girls, maybe strip club. Maybe we construct underground golf course beneath, maybe we build underground ice rink for next leader of America.


'Maybe Crassnob stay, maybe Crassnob go. Maybe we flip it to Chinese in prime real estate deal. Maybe we level whole thing for big Kremlin laugh. Whatever. How you say? None of your American business. We own now.'


Regardless of the outcome, until freedom of dressing up as a frog expression has been reinstated in Portland, the White House is renamed The Snowflake House.

'White House' in Washington D.C. puts UK care homes to shame


As the care sector in the UK continues to struggle with funding issues and staff payment and retention, across the Atlantic care for the elderly is taken extremely seriously if the example we viewed is anything to go by.


The 'White House' in Washington D.C. is a residential home with facilities that many places in the UK can only dream of. As our guide, Mary Koplinski, explained, 'We believe our residents deserve the best as they approach their twilight years.'


The best includes a swimming pool, movie theatre, solarium, music room, chocolate shop, games room and bowling alley. Also impressive is the ratio of staff to residents. Mary told us, 'We currently have one 81-year-old gentleman, who is a little unsteady on his feet and with a tendency to get very confused. However, looking after him is a staff of over 500, attending to his every need. Occasionally he takes little trips out, but we pick him up and help him back to his room. Otherwise he mostly sleeps a lot.'


Unlike UK care home costs of upwards of £1,000 per week per resident, the White House costs are all fully funded. However, every resident does need a bankroll of several million dollars to pay for the application and selection process.


Mary was quite excited about possibly seeing a return visitor in January next year. 'Another elderly gent who was last here about four years ago. Then it was respite care, mainly for his family's benefit, to give them a break. Some of the elderly can be very demanding and at times irrational. This time he will require extra supervision as he's become more paranoid and delusional, but that's fine. We just ensure he doesn't touch anything inappropriate, such as shiny red buttons, or female interns.'




First published 30 Sep 2024


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Panic as Trump says he's entering his 'Final Form'


Scenes of panic and fear gripped the White House, and the watching US public, as Donald Trump delivered a terrifying vision of the future, yesterday. After the press conference commenced, Mr Trump suddenly seemed to hover a foot above the floor whilst screaming then ripped off his suit jacket and shirt revealing the dark discolouring on his hand seeming to rapidly grow up his arm and across his body.


As this happened, he began, in his usual tone, 'witness pitiful mortals, and you really are pitiful, everyone is saying it, as I enter my final vengeful form. It's a fantastic form, some people are saying it's the best form they've ever witnessed. I may get nominated for a Nobel Final Form Prize, we don't know yet. But whatever happens, we're going to get you, you can't hide. I'm the best seeker. Now, the countdown to your firing begins."


With this he suddenly spouted leathery, blackened wings and, with a fiery flourish, smashed through the Press Room window and was last seen perched atop the Washington Monument eyeing Hispanic passers-by.


The US Vice President, JD Vance, said, 'as usual our President shows us the way forward. We will be introducing legislation soon to encourage everyone to reach their demonic final form or be deported to the desperate pits of hell….' The conference was then interrupted by hellish screams coming from Washington Plaza. The President's team made a speedy retreat to confer on next steps.


This is a breaking story, more soon….



Image credit: perchance.org

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