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Putin first world leader to send message of congratulations to Will Smith



Despite having other fish frying, Russian despot Vladimir Putin, has been quick off the mark and becomes the first world leader to congratulate Will Smith, after the Men In Black star sensationally decked presenter Chris Rock live on stage at the Oscars ceremony.


A Kremlin spokesman said: 'This is pure gold for Mr Putin. It has shown the world there is an even bigger twonk than he is. With such an ill-judged action in the full glare of the world's media, this mudak, Smith, makes Mr Putin look like a tactical genius. Now we have a golden chance to brush our own monumental military cock-ups and war crimes under the carpet, as this utterly pointless Oscars story is going to run and run for weeks. Trust me, comrade.'


Meanwhile experts are divided over the unprecedented event. One high profile box-office hot ticket star attending the Vanity Fair after-party said: 'It was quite a moment wasn't it? Speaking for myself, though, I can honestly say had I been there I don't know which of them I'd have decked first. Irrespective of any jokes or slurs.'




First published 28 Mar 2022


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Labour in favour of Will Smith smacking your children



Rather than mirror Scottish laws, the Labour Party supports chastising children using a Hollywood A-lister, a flick of the wrist and a heart felt apology via their agent. The compromise of outsourcing the smacking, means parents can keep a clear conscience and Mr Smith can keep in work - now the movies have dried up.


The Shadow Health Secretary insisted that getting spanked by Will Smith had never done him any harm and was worth every penny: 'As long as it doesn't leave a mark or lead to anyone losing an Oscar'.



Government advice - save on your fuel bills by burning elderly, unwanted relatives



Experts have been weighing in with advice about how to save money, once you’ve submitted an April Fool’s Day meter reading to your energy company, hopefully with a straight face.


A statement from 11 Downing Street said ‘Close the windows of your other country homes and your city crash pad. As for the main estate, you could consider having Jenkins chop down a few of the trees in the lower forest to use as firewood. Perhaps reduce the thermostat temperature in the North Wing – after all no-one has lived there since “Mad” Aunt Henrietta and she’s a fully clothed skeleton in a rocking chair these days. Probably.’


‘We suggest you can burn your hopes, dreams, furniture and elderly relatives. So, lots of choices.’


'Rishi asked us to say he's just like Will Smith - again. To be fair he has just slapped you all in the face.'


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