Woke cancel culture means "Dying god coming into Human flesh" missed from CBeebies singalong

Celtic Frost's classic Dying god coming into Human flesh has been missed off the CBeebies Song Time album because of woke cancel culture warriors at the BBC.

Celtic Frost fans, known affectionally as "Frosties", have been tearfully contacting woke HQ known as the BBC to protest the omission from the popular extreme metal band.

"CF gets a depressingly low presence on Radio 2", explained Headbanger Death Blood from the Celtic Frost fan club, "Friday Night is Music Night has ignored them completely, even Sing Something Simple turned them down. When the Cbeebies album was announced it would have been a golden opportunity to introduce younger people to the gentle pleasure of extreme metal."

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UK government finally works out what woke means

Landmark case rules UK government must pay out £Billions to anyone who is woke

A bunch of nutters who have been pretending to run the United Kingdom for 13 years have just clocked what the word woke actually means. Having frothed and fizzed for over a decade about how woke people are all so terribly awful, someone actually checked, and there has been somewhat of a panic and a fair bit of hasty backtracking.

'Do you think anyone noticed?' said whichever imbecile is in charge of the nation's Education this week. 'I've been slagging off wokes full tilt for years with as much venom as I can muster. But it turns out that woke people are actually the ones who are absolutely on it, and the ones everyone respects.'

'We've been backing racists and pursuing policies misogynists prefer, but I am now informed that they are the ones we should be locking up,' added the Minister for Equality. 'Who knew racists were the bad ones?'

'Some law people did some lawy stuff,' shrugged the Minister for Justice. 'Woke people have been "grossly misrepresented" by the UK government, apparently. So now each woke individual is owed £480,000 in compensation. But the taxpayer will definitely fork out for all of that. What? Our own words and actions? What the f*ck does personal liability mean?'

'Don't worry, there are only 39 million people who are woke, so it won't cost us too much personally,' piped up the Chancellor of the Exchequer. 'Do you know who I am? I do those number thingies, me.'

Westminster Palace Building Night - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

NewsBiscuit Home

Woke to Bloke - Parents divorce their 'woke' children and adopt Dave

In a shocking turn of events, a family in a town in the north of England has become the talk of the area after chucking their ‘woke’ kids out on their ear.

Meet the Johnsons, an ordinary family whose lives took an extraordinary turn when they decided to divorce their own children in favour of a bloke down the pub called Dave, due to ideological differences.

Clash of Ideals Tears the Family Apart

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson once shared a picture-perfect family life, but as time went on, the widening chasm between their beliefs and those of their children began to take its toll.

Family dinners, once filled with laughter and love, became battlegrounds of debates over what Mrs Johnson said “was their insistence on being ‘woke’ about everything, really everything including gays and foreigners. We can’t take it any more. We’ll think what we want to think and that’s the end of it”

The situation concluded when children, Chloe (24) and Jake (20) were dispelled from the family home completely and The Johnson’s brought in a lodger, Dave.

The decision that sent shockwaves through the community - they chose to divorce their own children. The announcement left friends, neighbours, and even family members astounded and bewildered.

In an emotionally charged statement, Mr. Johnson shouted, "It was an easy decision. They just started getting on our tits. Good riddance to them. Our lives are far more peaceful now we can just say what we like."

Adopting a Bloke Named Dave

The family's story took a more peculiar turn when the Johnsons decided to fill the void left by their children by adopting Dave the new lodger, a bloke they’d met in their local pub, through the quiz team. Dave who’s in his 40s and is described by locals as, “a lively and boisterous character”, shared views more aligned with the Johnsons'.

Dave told reporters that, “people these days have got it all wrong.” And that, “white middle aged British men were at the bottom of the pile.” He told us that Nigel Farage was “the only man in the country making any sense.”

Nigel Farage has been in the news recently because he was exposed by the BBC as being too poor to have an account with a posh bank and was forced to bank with NatWest. When we asked Dave about this he told us, “Nigel Farage was treated very badly. I feel sorry for him.” Dave suggested starting a ‘fund me’ page so that Nigel can be rich enough again to bank at Coutts.

Children React to the Unthinkable

Chloe and Jake were left heartbroken and stunned by their parents' decision to divorce them. "It's like we don't matter anymore," Chloe expressed tearfully. "We thought parents were supposed to love their children unconditionally."

But amidst the sorrow, the children confessed to feeling some sense of relief. They no longer had to endure what they called “thick shit” from mum and dad.

The Johnsons' decision sent shockwaves through the community, igniting passionate debates about parental responsibilities and the impact of political ideologies on family dynamics. Some people we interviewed in the community were convinced that the whole thing was about sex. One person commented that, “Dave was a pervert.”

Support groups and counselling services emerged, offering help and guidance to Chloe and Jake.

Navigating the New Chapter

The Johnsons are forging ahead with their unorthodox decision. They are determined to redefine their family dynamics in a way that allows them to, “say what they want when they want”.

The tale of the Johnsons serves as a thought-provoking reminder that family relationships can be complex and multifaceted. It stands as an example of the impact political ideologies have on familial bonds, prompting us all to reflect on the importance of open communication, understanding, and empathy in these challenging times.

Written by AlexCrisp