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'Woke' Concrete Closes Schools

Not wanting your child to be crushed to death by collapsing concrete school structures has been condemned as 'woke' and 'elf and safety gorn mad'.

Professionally furious man Derek Drummond said 'When I was at school, we were encouraged to play and jump around structurally unsound buildings until they collapsed into jagged construction material. I used to love all those sharp concrete edges, rusty steel wires just ready to impale the unwary. In my day, concrete walls fell on school children every week and we just got on with it. Except my best friend Ian. He never got on with it. Ever again. It made me the cold, unfeeling bastard I am today.'

Mum of 2 Francesca Fraser said 'At this point in the summer holidays, I don’t care how dangerous it is, I just need them out of the house. They’ve had their tetanus jabs, I’m sure it’ll be fine. Look, Mummy needs her morning wine served with a little less judgment, OK?'

Teaching assistant Karolina Krychowiak added 'Extra holidays baby! I’ll chisel away at the concrete myself if it means an extra few days away from those entitled little shitbags.'

Builder Luke Lyle sucked his teeth before saying 'Oof. You’ve had some cowboys in here mate – it’s gonna cost you. Raac - at least it wasn't Raab. I don’t suppose Matt Hancock is dishing out the contracts is he?'

'For the last time, RAAC is not us. Please, please stop calling.' wept a beleaguered spokeswoman for the RAC. 'We handle breakdowns of cars, not breakdowns of  the country’s educational infrastructure.'

Hat-tip modelmaker

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