Dulwich woman finds the a*se of Jesus in a packet of Monster Munch

A woman claims she was eating a packet of beef flavoured Monster Munch, when she found one in the shape of Jesus’ a*se.

Penny Fustercluck, an unemployed motivational speaker from Dulwich said, 'I was watching Loose Women and eating some Monster Munch, when I found one in the exact shape of Jesus’ a*se. I couldn’t believe it! It was such a spiritual experience. I know you’re going to say it could have been anyone’s a*se - but I could tell straight away it was the a*se of Jesus. Who else but the Son of God could have sent me such an important sign?'

When asked if she could show us the a*se shaped Monster Munch, she replied, 'Well, no – I ate it, obviously. This is beef flavoured Monster Munch we’re talking about, they’re delicious, I couldn’t just not eat it.'

Ms Fustercluck says the experience has totally changed her outlook on life. 'That a*se shaped Monster Munch sent me a powerful message. And that message was – I should get off my a*se, and stop eating Monster Munch all day.

'In future, my life is going to be totally different, and that starts right now. I’m going to get off my a*se, and go to the shop to buy some Frazzles.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

If Putin were a woman I'd invade her, confesses Boris

Boris Johnson is "powerfully attracted" to the idea of Vladimir Putin as a woman, an aide to the UK Prime Minister suggested today. 'Forget Ukraine, I'd be invading Vladimira! he was reputed to have muttered, applying a blonde wig filter to news photos of the Russian President on his phone while waiting to speak at a press conference at the NATO summit in Madrid.

'Boris was complaining that there aren't enough women at these summits,' said the aide, 'especially after the prime ministers of both Sweden and Finland refused his offer for "special negotiations". We've tried to spin this as appreciating women's roles as peacemakers, after all that's something that female leaders like Indira Gandhi and Margaret Thatcher were famous for.'

Rumours that a Tory donor has been approached to fund "an op" for Putin have been denied, but Downing Street refused to comment on reports that Mr Johnson recently made a Zoom call to Putin and opened it with the words "is that a tank in my pocket or am I pleased to see you?"

Woman finds exact nanosecond local Barclays Bank is open

Laura Hills from Bridgend has managed to get personal counter service from her local Barclays Bank by entering the branch at the split second it opened and just before it rapidly closed.

The bank clerk serving her was so surprised to find a customer had made it inside she had to spend fifteen minutes reminding herself what her job was.

Branch Manager, Jim Morgan, was equally befuddled. “This should not have happened. We are doing our level best to force customers online by only opening for the briefest time possible. I hope you can understand, for one of our employees to have had to serve someone was an extremely traumatic experience. She’s now having time off for counselling, which means we will have to restrict our opening seconds even more.”

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