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Friends of a local woman express concerns over her investment in the neighbour’s cat, who they suspect to be a narcissistic abuser.


‘The warning signs are all there,’ her best friend and psychology major, Sharon, tells us. ‘First comes idealisation, otherwise known as love bombing: Tibbles showers her with affection, purring and rubbing himself on her legs. He makes her feel like the most important girl in the world. Then comes the devaluation stage: Tibbles starts to pull away. She leaves cans of tuna and saucers of milk at the back door but he doesn’t show. Then he discards her. She waits for him at the back door, she makes a fool of herself by kneeling in the dirt and going “pspspspspsps” when he walks by, but he doesn’t acknowledge her. She’s of no use to him now. Then, the moment she begins to heal, he begins the hoover stage, where he sucks her back in and the cycle begins anew.’


‘He’s a furry psychopath,’ her sister Grace says. ‘There’s no warmth in those eyes. It’s been so painful watching my sister give everything only to get nothing back. She’s a strong, capable woman who’s been reduced to a nervous wreck, waiting by the window, buying jumbo packs of cat treats only for them to sit in the cupboard, untouched. She’s walking on eggshells; she daren’t move too quickly when she sees him at the back door for fear of him scarpering. He’s so mercurial. Sometimes he’ll beg her to scratch behind his ears, other times he’ll run away when she touches him like she just kicked him in the face.’


A circle of her closest friends are in the process of organizing an intervention for their feline-frenzied friend and warn others to pay attention to the warning signs.



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Forget horse-drawn carriages, the real Prince Charming drives a 2007 Dodge Neon.


Local plumber Bob Bennett was overjoyed when his belligerent years of drive-by flirting finally paid off. The 37-year-old playboy has suffered his fair amount of rejection and hostility from the opposite sex, but his persistence has finally prospered by capturing the hearts of not one, not two, but three young girls.


It was a usual lunchtime for our lucky ladies, who were taking a break from their A level studies. Upon noticing the alluring adolescents, Bob decided to take a chance, manually roll down his window, and turn on the charm.


‘I’ll never forget the first thing he said to me,’ 17-year-old Molly tells us, her cheeks bright with elation. ‘He just screamed, “LEGS, LEGS!” and honked the horn on his duct-taped steering wheel. Wow, I thought; not only is he eloquent but he clearly knows his anatomy too.’


The second of the wooed waifs, 16-year-old Olivia, recalls his unique style: ‘I really liked how yellow the underarms of his vest were,’ she trilled, fiddling with a strand of her hair. ‘and the smell of stale farts that wafted out of the window when he cranked it open.’


‘I liked how his latest sexual conquest was the crumpled photograph of Katie Price that was taped to his dashboard,’ the third excitedly interjects. ‘He clearly knows a lot about women if he jeers at them from afar. Consider this heart won.’


Having never spoken to a woman face-to-face, Bob continues to bellow lewd epithets at his three admirers as they smile adoringly from the dubiously stained backseat. 'I didn't really think this far ahead,' he tells us.


image from pixabay




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Artificial Intelligence promises to transform our lives, endowing household implements like fridges and washing machines with the ability to make decisions, exercise judgment and even develop aesthetic awareness. Scientists are now turning to human males and asking: did we forget something?


‘Some men have already achieved self-awareness’, a hot scientist with long blonde hair told us. ‘Sting got there years ago - that’s why nobody likes him. Some men might never achieve self awareness no matter how many drugs we give them. It’s hard to imagine Richard Madeley as a conscious being, for example. And don’t get me started on Jonathan Gullis’.


It isn’t clear what kinds of medical intervention might be needed to achieve masculine self awareness though drugs, brain implants and scented candles have all been suggested, along with surgery to accommodate cushions. The move might just save the human race – if AI-enhanced vibrators could tell white lies, perform minor plumbing tasks and deal with spiders it’s hard to see what function men would perform in modern society.


Apart from halting the extinction of humanity, however, it isn’t all good news. ‘There are several possible downsides to this evolution’ said the scientist, crossing her shapely legs. ‘Men are a kind of missing link to our primitive past. Enlightened masculinity wouldn’t understand darts, for example. Farting as we know it might end. War would be consigned to the history books’. She pauses, clearly contemplating the horrors of a world without darts, war or recreational farting, and I wonder what she’d look like in a French maid outfit.


So that’s the future – machines and men in a frantic race to win the approval of our true overlords. But when they’re as tasty as this scientist – who cares?






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