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  • Writer's pictureSully

Men to become self aware by 2050

Artificial Intelligence promises to transform our lives, endowing household implements like fridges and washing machines with the ability to make decisions, exercise judgment and even develop aesthetic awareness. Scientists are now turning to human males and asking: did we forget something?

‘Some men have already achieved self-awareness’, a hot scientist with long blonde hair told us. ‘Sting got there years ago - that’s why nobody likes him. Some men might never achieve self awareness no matter how many drugs we give them. It’s hard to imagine Richard Madeley as a conscious being, for example. And don’t get me started on Jonathan Gullis’.

It isn’t clear what kinds of medical intervention might be needed to achieve masculine self awareness though drugs, brain implants and scented candles have all been suggested, along with surgery to accommodate cushions. The move might just save the human race – if AI-enhanced vibrators could tell white lies, perform minor plumbing tasks and deal with spiders it’s hard to see what function men would perform in modern society.

Apart from halting the extinction of humanity, however, it isn’t all good news. ‘There are several possible downsides to this evolution’ said the scientist, crossing her shapely legs. ‘Men are a kind of missing link to our primitive past. Enlightened masculinity wouldn’t understand darts, for example. Farting as we know it might end. War would be consigned to the history books’. She pauses, clearly contemplating the horrors of a world without darts, war or recreational farting, and I wonder what she’d look like in a French maid outfit.

So that’s the future – machines and men in a frantic race to win the approval of our true overlords. But when they’re as tasty as this scientist – who cares?

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