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England lose their first training session on penalties




Manager Gareth Southgate refused to attend a press conference following England’s latest embarrassing defeat in Qatar. Despite inventing the game, the country is still terminally useless at being able to kick a ball in any meaningful direction.


‘I’m as sick as a parrot,’ muttered a crestfallen Southgate as he walked away from the scene of England’s latest disgrace. ‘We haven’t had a decent result since we beat Stockport Post Office in the Euros,’ he added. ‘Frankly, we only have ourselves to blame for scoring against ourselves.


We had a carefully worked out plan with Venn diagrams, a screening of Escape from Alcatraz, and a PowerPoint presentation from some bloke in a tracksuit. I’m going to have to go back to the drawing board.’


Assistant coach, Ronnie Rickets, said it could mean wearing a sheepskin coat on the touchline like they did in the old days.


‘Yeah, well, you know, said Ronnie. ‘Harry Kane did point out that a sheepskin coat in sixty-plus degrees might not be conducive to keeping cool under the circumstances. That earned him a punch in the face from Gareth and sixty lashes from the security guards.’




First published 17 Nov 2022


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International tightrope walking competition opens in Qatar




Competitors are gathering in the Middle East to walk a tightrope between enjoying themselves and being condemned to the death penalty. The festival of daring, bravery and skill involves very carefully putting one foot in front of the other, as even the slightest step out of line could prove fatal.


The Qatari authorities have explained that even white, hetrosexual, teetotal, male entrants who don’t really care about human rights will have to tread very carefully along the high wire throughout the competition. All other contestants will have the added complication of tightrope walking on eggshells, and absolutely no safety net will be provided.


Overall, it is hoped that the world’s television viewers will be hugely entertained by the event, and will marvel at the spectacle of the death-defying acts. Apart from the families of the exploited migrant construction workers whose efforts to set up the tournament in Qatar were sadly less than death-defying.




First published 16 Nov 2022


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North Korea's 1966 World Cup win hoax is actually true


A North Korean news presenter declaring in a high-pitched voice, and with fervent pride, that their glorious nation had won the men's football World Cup in 1966 has, in a stunning revelation, proved to be a very real and absolute fact.


National flagship truth channel trusted by all, GB News, made the announcement yesterday evening, following a thorough, diligent investigation spanning 59 years.


The broadcast, which comes as something of a blow to England fans, was delivered in a sombre tone by national treasure and triple-gold-medal-winning sporting hero, Jacob Rees-Mogg:


'It is with solemn regret that it falls to this highly respected news anchor to inform you that England did not win the World Cup in the year of nineteen hundred and sixty six. A series of Westminster dictatorship governments, none more so than the current regime, misinformed the public in distasteful and desperate bids to generate national pride.


'Contrived falsehoods proposed as reality are now, finally, exposed by this award-winning programme. An unusual touchline discussion between referee and linesman did not take place. The ball did not cross the line. The World Cup itself was not stolen. A dog called Pickles did not discover the hallowed trophy wrapped in newspaper and discarded in a hedge.


'Any footage you may have witnessed was staged. There was no Geoff Hurst hat-trick. No crowd ran onto the pitch, thinking it was all over.


'The actual, true and very real winners were the upstanding and highly respected nation of North Korea. Good eggs, every last one of them, and we salute their Supreme Leader.


'Due to the great dishonour brought upon the country, England has humbly surrendered its use of the George Cross Flag, returning it back to Turkey. And Malta. And Portugal. And Georgia.


'In other news, which may be even more unpalatable to England fans, the Independent People's Democratic Republic of Scotland did indeed become world champions of Elephant Polo in 2005.


'Now over to Salman Rushdie with the weather.'



Picture credit: nightcafe.studio

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