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Subbuteo Table Soccer To Launch Oppressive Qatari Regime World Cup Edition


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Table soccer icons, Subbuteo, have announced that they are launching a World Cup edition in time for the start of the tournament on November 20 which will feature all the thrills of the greatest football show on earth while also representing the oppressive, homophobic, stance of the Qatari government.


Initially, players will be able to choose which of their favourite country’s teams to represent.


Then when the match is underway, each player will be awarded bonus points for hurling homophobic abuse at gay-looking plastic spectator figures in the crowd.


These stylishly-dressed, well-coiffured figures can then be flicked around, Subbuteo style, outside the ground to simulate the battering they can expect from the local cops when making their way back to their hotel post-match.


When questioned, the spokesman denied recent reports that scale models of football WAGS were also being planned with a view to having them beaten by Qatari police and then imprisoned without trial for illicit drinking in the ladies toilets, wearing revealing clothing, and apostasy.


Qatari TV Broadcasters announce new schedule for the World Cup


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In addition to a December schedule overladen with umpty-bump football matches that most of the population are not really sure of, Qatari broadcasters have taken the step of launching versions of well-loved franchises and popular, high ratings television shows to provide a blockbuster season of entertainment for fans and locals alike.


"Alongside the seemingly endless number of pre- and post-match analysis shows, we hope that the Qatari slant on some old favourites will be extremely well received" beamed a spokesman, happily.


Reality shows such as "Snog, Marry, Avoid, Stone", "Niqab Attraction" and "Straight Eye for the Straight Guy" are already in production, although a pilot version of "RuPaul's Drag-you-through-the-streets-you-shame-your-family race" did not make it past the censor.


A new series of TOWID - "The Only Way is Doha" - has been commissioned, following a group of bright young privileged 20-somethings as they live full and fruitful lives through the precepts of Islam.


Elsewhere "Emmerdallah", the popular soap based on an implausible Northern farming community, will feature a number of story lines based in and around the World Cup - including the lovable halfwits triumphing over ticket-touts and intoxicated fans to watch the key Wales versus Iran game.


Repeats of the ever popular "I'm a foreign construction worker, get me out of here !" are also scheduled, with desperate sub-continent contractors battling through a series of fiendish tasks to exit the country with passport, bank balance and limbs intact.


Comedy will be provided by the continuing exploits of those semi-legal trading rogues in "Only Infidels and Camels", with the hapless brothers perpetually on the cusp of judicial surgery.


Qatari equivalents of Graham Norton, Alan Carr and "him with the teeth" are unlikely to be involved in any of these shows, sources have confirmed.



Man struggling to prove fitness for watching World Cup from his sofa


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A man is facing a desperate race against the clock to prove his fitness to watch the Qatar World Cup from his own living room and local pub, it has emerged.



With the start of the tournament just 3 weeks away, Mike McBride, 42, is in a battle against time to develop a basic understanding of the footballing credentials of some of the lesser-known African teams. He is also yet to finalise his starting-11 stock phrases about the poor human rights record of the host nation.



‘It’s crept up on me this one’, admitted McBride. ‘Usually, by now, I’d be on version 12.1 of my spreadsheet of times for all matches, cross-referenced against work and home commitments’.


‘But I woke up in a cold sweat in bed at 2 this morning and couldn’t even remember whether it was Group E or F that is the Group of Death. And is Qatar 4 hours ahead or behind us?’


McBride’s World Cup form has been a cause for concern amongst his mates, following a number of below par observations about the tournament in recent weeks.


‘Last Thursday I had to limp out of our Thursday boys’ night out in disgrace after I said it would be great to watch Erling Haaland on the biggest stage’, said McBride. ‘Turns out Norway haven’t even qualified. It’s embarrassing.’



‘My daughter asked me just yesterday when we were getting a Panini Sticker album’ said McBride. ‘I hadn’t even thought about that…what kind of a man am I’.


‘He might be able to fall back on some tired anecdotes in the big matches without breaking stride from drinking his cans of Stella sat on his Laz-E-Boy chair’, said McBride’s wife with a note of caution. ‘Form is temporary, class is permanent and all that.’


‘But will he be able to raise his game to offer any meaningful insights into South Korea versus Ghana at 1pm on a wet Tuesday in late November? Only time will tell’


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