Jeffrey Archer, RIP

Jeffrey Archer has passed away at the age of 139. He was the second man to walk on Moon, the fifth Beatle, a Cambridge Don, the 'best PM we never had', a Nobel laureate and an Olympic gold medallist. He is believed to have either have been murdered by a jealous husband or died as a result of a mishap during his attempt to repair his private Concorde in midair.

Mr Archer was always destined for greatness and expected to follow his father as head of the British Army. At the age of 7 Jeffrey was offered the throne of Albania but felt he couldn't spare the week it would take to learn the language. Instead, he decided to use his gifts to become the greatest writer of the 20th and 21st centuries.  Seamus Heaney is reported to have begged Jeffrey to stop writing for a while to 'give the rest of us a chance at the Nobels.'

Image credit: Bjørn Erik Pedersen, CC BY 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons (image has been cropped)

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Macaulay Culkin Demands Home Alone 4 more Oscar-Worthy

Following his brother's success at the Academy Awards, winning Best Supporting Actor for his role in A Real Pain, Child-star Macaulay Culkin has called a crisis meeting with the production team for Home Alone 4 and demanded the film is made more award-friendly.

Leaked first drafts of the script from Amazon were a direct reprisal of the 1990 smash hit, with Culkin as the family patriarch rushing across country after leaving a child at home. Like the original, the child would protect the home from burglars, but this time using products bought using Amazon's Prime service, and smart home features controlled by Alexa. Despite not having shooting dates or a cast, the film had already been panned by critics.

"The whole thing read like complete shlock," said YouTube Critic Mick N'Pick. "Just ninety minutes of advertising, playing the nostalgia card and rehashing bits from the first two movies but with none of the charm. Even having Catherine O'Hara hook up with Donald Trump reprising his role as guy-in-the-lobby from Home Alone 2 felt lazy. Hey, are you liking, subscribing and sharing? Because this kind of analysis doesn't come for free you know!"

Executives at Amazon have refused to confirm or deny rumours of a change in direction, or the hiring of every nominated film's writers by the studio. However, pictures of whiteboards in the writers' room posted accidently on social media show a mixed bag of potential directions for the film to go, along with vast amounts of Chinese food and cocaine.

"They've definitely shifted the tone," remarked N'Pick, "from a version where Kevin makes the journey with his mother that's straight up a copy of Green Book, dealing with his fame like Birdman, or going into a multiverse with a musical mixing Wicked and Everything- Everywhere; it's a real case of throwing jelly at the wall and hoping they hit paydirt. Though actually throwing jelly at the wall was rejected as a way to get rid of the burglars in case kids copied it."

On whether the changes would bring a second Academy Award to the Culkin family, N'Pick was circumspect, saying, "It depends on the year, on the way the tides are, and a million other variables. However, playing a favourable character from history always goes down well with the voters, so Macaulay's already halfway there with that one!"

image from pixabay

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Obituary writer dies unremarked

An author of over a thousand obituaries has died and no one has anything to say about him. The man whose identity has been kept private to protect his irrelevance was born. But that, and his work composing favourable life narratives about the notable deceased, is as far as knowledge of his existence or otherwise goes. He died at some unrecorded time before this article goes to print.

When asked to flesh out of the details of his day to day life, a friend would only say, “…”. A family member contacted by an anonymous go-between went even further, saying, “….” Meanwhile, staff at the n publication he worked at for n decades could or were willing to add little to descriptions, saying only, “.”

The man wrote obituaries for some of the most recognized figures in post-war British cultural history, including Montaine Baxter, former scout leader who would only box Greeks, Sir Shane Masters, Isle of Man tourism thousandaire, and former SAS captain Mike Deveres, who owned stables that Daily Telegraph reader, Angie Donalson, notoriously coveted.

Obituary writing has, ironically, proven hazardous work for many of its practitioners. It is undertaken in the mistaken belief that it may, juju-like, ward off the demise of the obituarist themselves. Yet, like other professions, it has a 100% death rate.

“…” said n at n. “…”

https://pixabay.com/photos/newspapers-leeuwarder-current-press-444449/

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