Macaulay Culkin Demands Home Alone 4 more Oscar-Worthy

Following his brother's success at the Academy Awards, winning Best Supporting Actor for his role in A Real Pain, Child-star Macaulay Culkin has called a crisis meeting with the production team for Home Alone 4 and demanded the film is made more award-friendly.

Leaked first drafts of the script from Amazon were a direct reprisal of the 1990 smash hit, with Culkin as the family patriarch rushing across country after leaving a child at home. Like the original, the child would protect the home from burglars, but this time using products bought using Amazon's Prime service, and smart home features controlled by Alexa. Despite not having shooting dates or a cast, the film had already been panned by critics.

"The whole thing read like complete shlock," said YouTube Critic Mick N'Pick. "Just ninety minutes of advertising, playing the nostalgia card and rehashing bits from the first two movies but with none of the charm. Even having Catherine O'Hara hook up with Donald Trump reprising his role as guy-in-the-lobby from Home Alone 2 felt lazy. Hey, are you liking, subscribing and sharing? Because this kind of analysis doesn't come for free you know!"

Executives at Amazon have refused to confirm or deny rumours of a change in direction, or the hiring of every nominated film's writers by the studio. However, pictures of whiteboards in the writers' room posted accidently on social media show a mixed bag of potential directions for the film to go, along with vast amounts of Chinese food and cocaine.

"They've definitely shifted the tone," remarked N'Pick, "from a version where Kevin makes the journey with his mother that's straight up a copy of Green Book, dealing with his fame like Birdman, or going into a multiverse with a musical mixing Wicked and Everything- Everywhere; it's a real case of throwing jelly at the wall and hoping they hit paydirt. Though actually throwing jelly at the wall was rejected as a way to get rid of the burglars in case kids copied it."

On whether the changes would bring a second Academy Award to the Culkin family, N'Pick was circumspect, saying, "It depends on the year, on the way the tides are, and a million other variables. However, playing a favourable character from history always goes down well with the voters, so Macaulay's already halfway there with that one!"

image from pixabay

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Obituary writer dies unremarked

An author of over a thousand obituaries has died and no one has anything to say about him. The man whose identity has been kept private to protect his irrelevance was born. But that, and his work composing favourable life narratives about the notable deceased, is as far as knowledge of his existence or otherwise goes. He died at some unrecorded time before this article goes to print.

When asked to flesh out of the details of his day to day life, a friend would only say, “…”. A family member contacted by an anonymous go-between went even further, saying, “….” Meanwhile, staff at the n publication he worked at for n decades could or were willing to add little to descriptions, saying only, “.”

The man wrote obituaries for some of the most recognized figures in post-war British cultural history, including Montaine Baxter, former scout leader who would only box Greeks, Sir Shane Masters, Isle of Man tourism thousandaire, and former SAS captain Mike Deveres, who owned stables that Daily Telegraph reader, Angie Donalson, notoriously coveted.

Obituary writing has, ironically, proven hazardous work for many of its practitioners. It is undertaken in the mistaken belief that it may, juju-like, ward off the demise of the obituarist themselves. Yet, like other professions, it has a 100% death rate.

“…” said n at n. “…”

https://pixabay.com/photos/newspapers-leeuwarder-current-press-444449/

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AI companies outsource work to non-synthetic, sentient meat sacks

Companies have started outsourcing Artificial Intelligence work to real people with real intelligence. This is due to the huge costs involved with running AI servers - massive electricity bills and the only cheap cooling water being mainly sewage.

Out of work artists are reluctantly hand drawing awful, unsettling, blurred images with disfigured hands to sell to AI companies, to see if they match any of the weird user requests. There is a huge, bigly market for Trump images of him doing brave and nice things because there are no real images available.

Desperate musicians are creating just-off copies of work that are incredibly polished and follow all the right harmonies and specific key changes required to be a pleasant and forgettable massive hit. For which they get paid a tiny amount of money.

And backstreet authors and underground screenwriters are furiously writing generic Christmas movies and repetitive advertisements that are bland and comforting and do not have any of that tell-tale originality or uniqueness. This hugely difficult task is slowly becoming easier, as more and more of the same stuff is just repeated.

An AI Company CEO, a distinctly unlikeable group of letters, was surprised that there were so many talented work units available, and had no idea where all these easily exploitable content providers had come from.

Picture credit: Wix AI ...yes, actual AI, and not a person...