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'It had been a good 24 hours since we'd done something truly despicable, like bombing a hospital in Gaza,' a spokes-F16 for the IDF told ashen faced reporters.


'Everyone in the war cabinet was sitting around, wondering what to do next to maintain our coveted position of Pariah Nation of the 21st Century.


'Then the Minister of Health said 'I know! Why don't we launch a strike into Lebanon, killing and wounding a bunch of civilians? We haven't done that for some time.'


'So we bombed Lebanon, and that kept us on the front pages of the international press for a bit, given how we had - once again - exhibited a truly callous disregard for human life.


'Then the next day they were all sitting around and scratching their heads again.


''I know,' said the Minister for Overseas Aid. 'Why don't we have a good go at impoverished Yemen again? Just like the old days? Really make it suffer.


'Next, we're thinking of launching a pre-emptive strike on Tehran, just to keep our hands in,' continued the spokes-jet.


'I mean, we wouldn't want our bomber pilots getting out of practice, would we? We might need them for a real war.'



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Messages exchanged between Allied leaders on Bakelite, a 1940s precursor of modern messaging apps, have finally been declassified under Home Office rules. 


The messages reveal that the D-Day landings were almost called off due to security concerns.


CHURCHILL: So we’re all set for Normandy?


MONTY: Provided the weather holds, yes sir.


HITLER: Normandy! Gott in Himmel, I almost said Normandy!


CHURCHILL: What the actual… is that Hitler?


HITLER: You know it, baby 😆


CHURCHILL: You added Hitler to the group chat?!?


MONTY: Sorry sir, I didn’t know it was him. His username just said “Reich Reich Baby”.


ROOSEVELT: Jeez, I knew I shouldn’t have left this to a bunch of limeys.


MONTY: Don’t worry Mr President, he still doesn’t know it’s June 6th.


CHURCHILL: Monty, I swear to god…


HITLER: Right, who had Normandy on June 6th?


GOERING: Me! Pay up, losers!


HIMMLER: No you didn’t, you said Brittany. That’s a totally different place.


GOERING: It’s the same place, that’s just the French name for it.


HIMMLER: Christ, no wonder we lost the Battle of Britain…


GOERING: You can talk, you said the Dordogne. That’s not even on the bloody coast!


ROOSEVELT: What the f… you added the whole Nazi High Command?


MONTY: Well unfortunately sir, once Hitler was in, he was able to invite other people...


ROOSEVELT: Goddammit! I oughta come over there and sort you guys out but good.


CHURCHILL: Oh yeah? You and whose wheelchair access ramp?


MONTY: Now now, chaps, let’s not go there…


GOEBBELS: Don’t tell me Mussolini’s on here as well?


HITLER: Don’t worry, I created another chat just for him and me, so he feels like he’s involved. So, you were saying about Normandy?


CHURCHILL: Monty, don’t you say another bloody word!


HITLER: Come on Monty, tell uncle Dolfi 😋


CHURCHILL: Makes no difference anyway. Whatever you send against us, we will fight you on the beaches, on the landing grounds and in the streets.


MONTY: Oh Lord, he’s off again…


STALIN: Gee, sounds like a nice day at the beach, guys. Remind me to tell you about Stalingrad one day.


TUKHACHEVSKY: To be fair, that was partly your fault for not…


TUKHACHEVSKY has left the chat very suddenly.


STALIN: Dude, how many times? Never in public. Or in private, for that matter.


TROTSKY: Dear me, looks like poor old Uncle Joe doesn’t have too many friends left!


STALIN: Trotsky! Enjoying life in Mexico? (Yes, I know where you are)


TROTSKY: Very much, thank you! Must be annoying for you to have a critic you can’t silence?


STALIN: Oh, I have plenty of ways to get to you, old friend. And when the time comes, I’ll take my pick 😜


TROTSKY: Hmm, guess it was funnier in your head.


STALIN: Not as funny as it’ll be in yours. Oh and Dolfi, since we’re talking… you missed a bit under your nose when you were shaving.


HITLER: Thanks, dude. Gets funnier every time.


DE GAULLE: Sorry to interrupt, but… is it safe to come out yet?



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