New PM Liz Truss’s Government has fallen into turmoil almost immediately having announced a plethora of tax cuts and borrowing intentions without any published fiscal plan, spooking financial markets and potentially trashing the Tories’ much-vaunted reputation for economic competence.
An obscure, barely-known committee of Tory backbenchers has been witnessed sharpening daggers. One source known only as Graham, who insisted he knew nothing about the committee, nonetheless confided: '1,922 stab wounds may seem a little excessive, but given there are 357 Tory MPs at the time of writing, this would mean about a fairly modest 5.4 stabs each. No - I don’t know what 0.4 of a stab wound really means either, but mathematics doesn’t seem to be a Tory strength just now.'
An anonymous classicist, reportedly a former leader, added: 'In the old days, Tory MPs used to send letters to stab their leader in the back. But, as in Ancient Rome, in the end even the great orators just put their pens down and resorted to literally stabbing Julius Caesar, though he got away with just 23 stab wounds. Now we’re looking at 1,922. I blame inflation.'