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10-minute NHS consultations 'a real drag'

Doctors say that ten minutes is far too long to be in the company of whiny and wheezy members of the public, who rarely 'look their best' and often smell of TCP. A BMA spokesman explained: 'Being a GP is like speed dating; you know in the first few seconds if you're compatible and if the patient will give you a good look at their genitals. I just want to get down and dirty, rather than waste time on meaningless details - like what's their name or their medical history...or if they're in cardiac arrest'.

In the time it takes to boil an egg, or have a relationship with Taylor Swift, you can shorten complex consultations for 60 patients a day You just need a triage involving a bottle of multi-vitamins, a rectal thermometer and directions to the nearest BUPA hospital.

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