The government has completed a magnificent streak - a streak the likes of which might've given the crowds something to appreciate at the cricket. Five hundred policies in a row, every single one of them perfectly pitched dead centre. Dead centre in the Venn diagram intersection between fruitloop unworkable, downright illegal, and bed-shittingly destructive.
'Appeasing Conservative backbench bloodlust is one thing,' parped a Downing Street spokes-bugler. 'We just pluck anything out of the Daily Mail tombola of racism. But we're starting to suspect that the electorate are finding our ideas somewhat vacuous. So we've decided to zhuzh things up a bit. Lord no, we're not going to deliver plans which might actually work. That would be ridiculous. In future, a butler will whisk away a shiny hemi-dome to reveal the latest steaming policy.
'And that's not all. A seal in a top hat will perform a flipper drum roll before a sparkly sheet drops in the background with the word 'WOW!' in big letters. Our top advisers assure us that this new method will win our core vote back again. Especially if we lay on some bingo afterwards.'
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