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Boris avoids Moscow. Moscow dodges bullet

Many feared that the Foreign Secretary’s unique brand of statecraft, inspired by Prince Philip, Mel Gibson and an excess of gin, would cause diplomat fallout - shortly followed by nuclear fallout.  Diplomats from Russia and Britain breathed a collective sigh of relief as Boris Johnson flatly refused to visit Moscow, saying that he was perfectly capable of insulting them from 2000 miles away.

Mr. Johnson is said to be disappointed that he was unable to use his amusing anecdote about the Crimean War or his puppet show involving Catherine the Great and Muffin the Mule. Not since the Cuban Missile Crisis has a Russia come this close to unleashing mutually assured destruction – or as Boris calls it ‘Brexit’.

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