Britain's Largest Trireme Sets Off For The Med
- Walter Eagle
- 3 hours ago
- 1 min read
The Ministry of Defence announced today that, despite criticism from President Trump our largest and best-equipped trireme, the HMS Jolly Matelot, would be pulling out of its home port of Hunstanton, just as soon as its Captain, Andrew Moistbottom-Wonder is available from his hectic routine of horse-riding and, well, more horse-riding.
"This vessel is state-of-the-art, equipped with BBD-01 Mk.VI Big British Drums for propulsion. These are capable of drive settings covering everything from Classical Waltz to Saturday Night Fever. I tell you, these disco rates don't half shift! And for stealth mode we've got big lambswool muffles to silence the drums. Admittedly, this kind of defeats the point of them, but we're hoping to work something out during the six-month sea trials it'll take us to get to the Med.
"The prow, ready to be rammed up the enemy, is carved as a grotesque fearsome horned lizard monster, or Faragec*nt to use the old nautical term. Again, it does need a bit of work on it. The way it's mounted now has it hanging off pointing to starboard and not really providing a clear way forward. Still, a few good soakings, encounters with jellyfish, and a couple of rusty buoys should soon straighten it out.
"And finally, the mighty Matelot has more oars than you can shake a stick at. Remember, our experienced Captain Andy knows how to handle 'ores, believe me. He's recently been getting hands-on with a couple of Norfolk broads he met round the back of the fish sheds at Kings Lynn. What could go wrong?