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Writer's pictureDavidH

Britain to be matt-finished by 2035



PM Sir Keir Starmer has reiterated his commitment to have nothing shiny left in Britain within the next decade. In a statement today the prime minister doubled-down on his manifesto pledge to eradicate all sparkliness and glitz from the nation.


A spokesperson for the PM, commented: “The PM firmly believes the ten-year target of matt-finishing Britain is achievable. He’s pleased with the progress so far in the areas of domestic window frames and drug dealers’ cars, and hopes these seismic shifts in exterior finishes will have a knock-on effect in dulling-down the appearance of Britain for future generations.”


Supporters of the proposals include manufacturers of paint, who welcomed the commitment, stating that although gloss paint looks nice, matt emulsion was cheaper to produce and less harmful when consumed by children.


Not everyone shares the PM’s fuzzy vision; uproar was felt within the pearly community, with the king and queen of the kings and queens suggesting that they’d look ridiculous with little circles of denim or tweed sewn on to their suits.


image from pixabay

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