Champagne cans divide Wimbledon committee

The sound of champagne corks popping at Wimbledon can annoy the people trying to play the tennis. Watching tennis is thirsty work because of the heat, and the long games, and it's very sweaty when they close the roof. So it's understandable that spectators are keen to snag a couple of magnums of Moet, or Bolly. Or to sneak in a bottle of Waitrose ornery.

The All England Tennis Club is dealing with a number of complaints about popping corks from players. They say that it's hard enough to win the four million quid as it is, and that the sudden explosive noises definitely challenge the concentration. No-one like to work against something that sounds like gunshots. 'It can make you think that Trump must be in,' said one organically seeded player.

One possible solution has divided the committee. Revered champagne maker Mumm has offered to supply vintage champagne in cans, with a pull tab top, just like Bud Lite and Pepsi. These can be opened discreetly with a low-decibel high-frequency 'pffft!!!' sound that cannot be picked up and commented on by Claire Balding.

Half the members are aghast, and say that you might as well sell strawberry flavoured Opal Fruits instead of real strawberries. They contend that firing corks at the other debenture holders is quintessentially Wimbledon, and that a standard size bottle of 'poo is the minimum acceptable quantity, although a magnum (not the ice cream) is often preferred. All agree, however, that a Nebuchadnezzar is over the top and likely to cause injury if you drop it while holding it aloft and glugging from it.

The other members believe that, although it's obviously an abomination, you have to move with the times, and that the TikTak generation probably believe that canned champers is their god given right. They believe that selling official Wmbldn canned fizz is better than players sneaking it in, in return for backhanders.

Insiders say that, although further internal discussion is clearly required, canned champagne could be on sale at Wimbledon as early as 2039.

image from Google Gemini

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