The world of tennis was relieved today after the Chinese women's number one and world number four hundred and seven tennis player was found alive and well.
Feng Shui has signed a written confession that she needed to move her sofa into a more balanced position and at a diagonal to her hi-fi unit.
"It's critical that I get the essential components of my life into alignment. The energy map of my house was being disrupted by unwanted attention from a senior communist party leader."
Supreme leader President Xi Jinping was delighted the mystery of Feng Shui's disappearance had been solved. However, he cautioned against the wisdom of allowing women to hit small white balls over nets for large amounts of money when they should be driving tractors and tilling fields.
"It runs the risk of this attractive young woman earning almost as much as me. As a result, she will be attending a re-education centre for three years. Being a forward-thinking democracy, we've agreed to her demands to have a more balanced position in her life, so we're only going to hang her upside down three days a week.
