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Classes of 15 possible, if pupils stand on each other’s shoulders.

The government unveiled plans to reopen England’s primary schools by teaching classes with one huge child or fifteen very small ones.  Other ideas being considered to maintain the ratio of 1 classroom to 15 students include using hide and seek as a lesson plan, registering pupils as pot plants or counting toilet-cubicles as classrooms.

Teaching Unions have expressed alarm staff and students will return with only a school lunchbox strapped to your head as protection from Covid-19.  They dismissed the idea of standing students on each other’s shoulders, cunningly disguised under a teacher’s robe, as a plot device taken from the Beano.

Meanwhile, private schools are going to struggle to maintain the 15 to 1 ratio, as it will mean increasing their class sizes by 10.  By contrast your average primary school has a ratio of 1 teacher to every 15 staff vacancies. 

Explained an Education spokeswoman: ‘If you have an average of 30 children per class, divide that by the 2 classroom assistants that you can’t afford and multiply it by zero f$cks we give about school funding, then you get the reason I sent my kids to Eton.’

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