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Cost of knighthood 'way beyond means of average crook on the make'

The Bank of England has expressed concern that cost of knighthoods has risen beyond the reach of the ordinary corrupt, egotistical, rich bastard in the street. The Governor, Sir Sir Sir Sir Sir Andrew Bailey, explained: 'Forty years ago, being an MP was enough to be guaranteed a knighthood; 30 years ago, 300k would get it, but nowadays, being a rich, stupid person isn't enough. You have to be a stupidly rich, rich person and donate a couple of million.'

Asked asked why he hadn't received a knighthood, Prime Minister Boris Johnson (no, really) replied: 'Ah, well, when I was told how much it cost, I asked a donor to pay for it, then he ended getting it.'

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