Din-dins choo-choo noises replaced with 5:35 from platform 2 delay announcement

Din-dins noises to assist the spoons of food entering the tunnel have been upgraded in accordance with lived experience. The fsh-ti-coo, fsh-ti-coos and the woo-woooos have been cancelled until further notice.

In their place, young ones - and indeed very old ones who still partake and only receive their mashed potato that way - will be upgraded to a modernised service reflecting the real world out there.

Delays to all choo-choos coming from Three Bridges will be blasted out through a megaphone until din-dins are eaten. Except on Sundays, when a replacement bus service to Redhill will be in operation, meaning no food for anyone until much, much later.

In addition, a repeat loop of a crackly announcement will be audible reminding 'customers' that if they see a suspicious package, they should inform non-present platform staff immediately. Suspicious packages also include whatever it is that is making that nappy bulge. Which side of the nappy has not been specified here and is purely in your own mind, you filthy bugger.

A mid-autumn suspension of all food services will be dubiously attributed to leaves on the highchair table, and the January timetable will be plagued by the wrong type of snow cone.

Hairplanes flying in from over the mountain have been grounded due to the pandemic. Brum-brum cars are allowed, but the noises must all be silent like the electric vehicles everyone should be driving already.

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