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Diplomats’ bonuses cancelled and clawed back

Given the entirely crap state of world peace, all UN members have agreed to cancel performance pay and performance bonuses for their diplomats, with immediate effect.

A spokesman for UN HR said, ‘Before we start, I’d just like to make it clear that UNHCR is different. If anyone is in the wrong room you should leave now.

‘The UN has reviewed the benefits paid to diplomats around the world and has concluded that performance pay is not working. There are conflicts in Ukraine, Gaza, Israel, Africa, Yemen, Afghanistan, Haiti, Syria, and the Isle of Wight. Hmmm, I'm not sure about that last one. Someone has messed with my script and there will be consequences.

‘Diplomats need to pull their socks up. Actually, they need find their socks. Actually, they need to find their feet – start at the elbow and keep going past the arse. Your feet are down there somewhere. Diplomacy is too slow to avoid Twitter meltdowns, FaceBook slaggings-off and Instagram taunting. The old-style model of meeting people, having peace talks and negotiating just isn’t working any more.

‘So, given the parlous state of world peace and the escalating conflicts around the world, we have taken the difficult step of cancelling performance pay for all diplomats, banning Ferrero Rocher, and restricting chocolate biscuits to Fridays only.

‘We also plan to claw back all diplomatic gifts received since 2014 and to claw back diplomats’ performance bonuses for the last two fiscal years.

‘And if the diplomats are upset by this robust action, and decide to go on strike, then we say go for it. Things couldn’t get much worse.’

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