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  • Writer's pictureSully

Drugged-up brass bands causing havoc across Britain

It’s a perennial summer menace – bands of roaming musicians, often coked-up or off their heads on LSD, disturbing the peace in otherwise idyllic parkland settings.

Jerry (not his real name) plays second euphonium in a band in Warrington. He’s been in and out of rehab since his fifties. ‘I just got carried away by the general madness,' he told reporters. ‘When you’re out marching, well, a bit of Colombian marching powder just helps. That euph gets pretty heavy after a while.'

Traffic was brought to a standstill in Wigan yesterday when a runaway trombone section, tripping out on magic mushrooms, appeared to think they were woodland creatures basking in the sunshine and set up camp on a traffic island.

‘It happens every year,' a police officer told us with a sigh. ‘God knows where they find magic mushrooms in Wigan. I reckon they’re growing them on their allotments. It isn’t just the music, it’s the wanton acts of violence, the groupies – it’s carnage, really.

'Police have launched a poster campaign for drug dealers:


Is that person wearing a fancy tunic with gold braid? He might be a bandsman

Selling him drugs harms YOUR community

Sell them to a kiddie instead

If this doesn’t work we’ll all just have to wait for the rain to return and hope that they never learn to laminate their music.'


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