The UK Electoral Commission, single-handedly responsible for the existence of any last sliver of democracy in the UK, has lost every voter's details.
New head of the Commission, Vladimir Putin of 16 Evergreen Terrace, Lower Bebbington, Yourmum, said, 'I thought the badger had a tell, so I went all in. Unfortunately, badgers crying tears of blood is normal and it hit a full house - jacks over queens on the river - and that was it. Oh well, easy come, easy go. You win some, you lose some. Novichoks are not the only fruit.'
Responding to the news that all UK votes are now the property of a rural pigdog, pretend prime minister Rishi Sunak of 10, Drowning Street, Yourmum, squeaked, 'This is terrible. I was going to sell all voters' data to the US, India and China and make another billion. Now that poncy badger holds all of the cards, and he's going to clean up in the backroom at the next Davos summit.