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Equal rights for all sequinned corpses.

Blocking a private member's Bill - that would have pardoned thousands of living homosexuals – the Government made it clear that it has no problem with alternate lifestyles, as long as they are practised six feet under.

Rather than set aside 15,000 current convictions for consensual relationships, the emphasis is on people no longer capable of sexual activity or 'breathing'. The PM’s spokeswoman explained: 'Gays are a bit scary. Unless they look like Sir Ian McKellen - but he's old and everyone loves Gandalf. Really, we're more comfortable with dead gays...unless of course there were gay zombies - urgh! Imagine that, feasting on your brains, then biting yer bum!'

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