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Farmers open Jerk Off The Commuter season



From Lanarkshire to Cornwall, farmers started Jerk Off The Commuter season this week with the customary words: "Seth, get that tractor out and drive it up and down the main road very slowly to make sure all them commuters miss their trains."


Numerous office workers travelling to London Waterloo from Andover in Hampshire reported missing their train every day of the week since Monday, because a tractor towing ridiculously bulky equipment drove down the road towards the station at a slug's pace for over seven miles.


"I think they do it on purpose, the vicious gits," said a newbie commuter who was unfamiliar with the farmers' traditional summertime festivities.


"I am absolutely sure they don't need to be transporting huge barrels of water, or harrows and hay bales at 5.50am, when I am trying to fight my way into work in central London for 7.30."


"There are always some sourpusses who get upset with our fun and games," said a smirking farmer who just bought a huge and impassable combine harvester, funded by the taxpayer, which he will be using to hold up rush hour traffic throughout July and August.


"However," he continued, "most of them take our pranks in the spirit in which they're meant - a deeply spiteful, malevolent spirit, that is."


"Thanks to Seth the super-slow tractor driver and his boss, I just got sacked for repeated lateness," said one commuter, clutching a tear-stained P45. "I hate them and I will never eat their food again."


"Here in Hampshire," said Seth's sniggering boss, "we say it's a good Jerk Off The Commuter season if we get 40 a month sacked for being perpetually late, and another 200 admitted to hospital for nervous breakdowns, stomach ulcers and whatever else these townies fall ill with from being so stressed out.


"They should slow down to our speed - that's what I say. Just enjoy floating down the stream of life, like us, on a bed of outrageously generous government subsidies."




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