Fat, balding Englishmen to maintain their confident stance on, well, everything

Overweight and under-educated Englishmen have confirmed their intention to continue providing unsolicited wisdom to a world which barely deserves them.

‘Stands to reason, dunnit?’ said one obese cretin whilst painting a Cross of St George on a mini roundabout. ‘British Empire - greatest empire the world has ever seen. Hovercraft, penicillin, jet engines – the modern world wouldn’t exist without Ingerland’.

The EU has expressed ‘deep gratitude’ for the continued dispensation of sage advice from the morbidly obese. ‘We know we don’t deserve you’, sobbed Ursula von der Leyen. ‘We have our own wise men, naturally, but nobody can say it quite like a seventeen stone plumber’s mate with an arsecrack the size of Belgium. Deep down, we all know you’re right and we’re just a bit . . . foreign’.

As well as being demonstrably unforeign, the English patriots can erect flags at heights of up to eight feet, paint red crosses on a white background and display their own flag upside down – skills which would bamboozle Johnny Foreigner. They also have an intuitive grasp of the subtle nuances of football, including ‘why the current England manager is shit’, ‘why your team is shit’ and ‘why everything foreign is shit. Fancy a curry?’

Final word goes to Barry, halfway through his third mini-roundabout this week. ‘It isn’t racist, it’s just a flag, innit. Orford Lane? Nah, place is full of darkies, they’d kill us if we tried to put our flags up there’.