Queen Victoria's ghost asks ‘Where’s my f*cking Empire gone?

Mediums have described 'agitated' visits by the ghost of Queen Victoria, who is reportedly concerned about Britain’s declining fortunes.

‘She’s very moody’, one mystic told us. ‘At first she was impressed with my iPhone, but when she found out the company is American and the phone was made in China she went quiet and then started effing and jeffing. Thank God she isn’t a poltergeist’.

Another psychic reported a ‘stormy’ discussion with Queen Victoria after seeing a map of the world. ‘Her Majesty asked me, quote “why isn’t it red any more and where the f*ck did f*cking Burma go?” Then she went on about places I’ve never heard of, like Sudan and Rhodesia. It was horrible’.

Queen Victoria was never much fun to be around in life; if anything, death appears to have made her even grumpier. Still, at least she’s only mourning a lost Empire. George Washington’s ghost was on earlier, mourning the lost soul of America. Makes you think.

Have you been visited by a deceased monarch? Maybe Harold moaning about his eye? Or Charles the First, minus his head? If so, please keep it to yourself. Ditto for vegans: we don’t need to know.

Winston Churchill to go on tour to give Britain 'our best booster yet' says Johnson

It has been announced that by using the same hologram technology, where Elvis was able to appear ‘live’ on stage despite him being dead for over forty years, The Winston Churchill Roadshow will be rolling into a town near you from next week.

Confined to light duties, as that's about all aides dare trust him with, Boris Johnson Johnson has been put in charge of the project. ‘I’m just working on this with the brainboxes. We'll soon have the technology in place to enable us to have Sir Winston live in concert, reciting some of his iconic wartime speeches, backed by the Glen Miller Orchestra,' Mr Johnson enthused.

‘The show will be hosted by music hall icons, Flanagan and Allen, and will visit parks and piazzas around the country to give us all a good dose of old fashioned British vim, vigour and spunk,’ added Dominic Raab, looking lovingly into the PM's eyes.

On hearing the news, one Young Conservative who for some inexplicable reason still dreams about Britain's past glories of World War victories and Empires, was beside himself with delight. Fiddling with his flies in an attempt to disguise an unsightly stain, the chinless former Harrow Head Boy said: ‘This is the best possible pick-me-up our great nation could have been given and just what we need to banish our blues.

‘I knew Boris wouldn’t let us down. When he sees a job that needs doing he doesn’t drag his heels by announcing half measures. He just rolls up his shirt-sleeves and gets on with the task. He got Brexit done and he will now get Covid done, or kill us all in trying.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/openclipart-vectors-30363/

Britain to return Edwin Barbles to Greece		Man buys fishing waders instead of milk from Aldi

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 4 Jan 2022

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Fat, balding Englishmen to maintain their confident stance on, well, everything

Overweight and under-educated Englishmen have confirmed their intention to continue providing unsolicited wisdom to a world which barely deserves them.

‘Stands to reason, dunnit?’ said one obese cretin whilst painting a Cross of St George on a mini roundabout. ‘British Empire - greatest empire the world has ever seen. Hovercraft, penicillin, jet engines – the modern world wouldn’t exist without Ingerland’.

The EU has expressed ‘deep gratitude’ for the continued dispensation of sage advice from the morbidly obese. ‘We know we don’t deserve you’, sobbed Ursula von der Leyen. ‘We have our own wise men, naturally, but nobody can say it quite like a seventeen stone plumber’s mate with an arsecrack the size of Belgium. Deep down, we all know you’re right and we’re just a bit . . . foreign’.

As well as being demonstrably unforeign, the English patriots can erect flags at heights of up to eight feet, paint red crosses on a white background and display their own flag upside down – skills which would bamboozle Johnny Foreigner. They also have an intuitive grasp of the subtle nuances of football, including ‘why the current England manager is shit’, ‘why your team is shit’ and ‘why everything foreign is shit. Fancy a curry?’

Final word goes to Barry, halfway through his third mini-roundabout this week. ‘It isn’t racist, it’s just a flag, innit. Orford Lane? Nah, place is full of darkies, they’d kill us if we tried to put our flags up there’.