Jenkyns to recapture Britain's 'glorious past' by getting back in the kitchen

Political migrant Andrea Jenkyns has celebrated becoming a Mayor for the second party of her career by announcing a campaign to 'reset Britain to its glorious past'. A party spokesperson has clarified that this means that, as a working class woman, she will immediately be resigning her seat as an MP and her right to vote, and going back to work as a kitchen maid. Whether Ms Jenkyns will also be confined to a workhouse for having a child out of wedlock is not yet known.

'Andrea is keen to recapture the spirit of Empire' continued Sir Arthur Notwithstanding 'which kept foreigners in their place, i.e. foreignland, and oiks like her firmly in theirs - scrubbing floors and dishes, possibly in a slightly saucy outfit. Excuse me one moment.'

Image: WixAI

Tories to re-introduce British Empire

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Rich people not to be trusted with money

Ludicrously wealthy people are not to be trusted with money, it has emerged.

'But I want to put a solid gold didgeridoo inside a platinum trombone and then put that inside a diamond encrusted French horn, and then not let anyone blow it,' said rich people. 'Look over there. That's a foreign squirrel coming to take your job. You should hate them all for that.'

'You did that last time,' said poor people.

'No I didn't', said rich people. 'Here are some more very clever personages to tell you we never waste money and you should give us some more. Do you see how they pay for themselves?'

'Remember that empire thing where a handful of you owned half the world? Where's all the money you got from that?'

'It was cleverly invested in off-shore truffle tulips. You wouldn't understand. Now stop squandering your tuppence on eating beans to survive while I claim ownership of your feet.'

'You went to a casino last night and gambled it all on a magic goose, didn't you.'

'That's perfectly normal and what I have to do to survive in difficult times. Desperate measures call for desperate solid saffron toilets. You're impressed, aren't you? I can see it in your eyes. Your children think I'm fun and very charming. I want to buy your daughter. Tell her I'm a wealth creator and own all of the rainbows.'

'OK. But only if you promise not to copyright air.'

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