top of page

Fear that ‘Operation Yellowhammer’ intends to bring back Timmy Mallet

The public and armed services are on high alert, after a leaked memo suggests that a No-Deal Brexit will lead to re-runs of ‘Mallet’s Mallet’. The Operation Yellowhammer contingency plan also references the stockpiling of colourful glasses, rationing Michaela Strachan and using Tommy Boyd as flood defence.


This paints a bleak future for UK citizens, who will forced to join a Wide Awake Club, to combat the exhaustion of living in a low-wage gig-economy. More terrifying still, in the event of a hard Brexit, the new national anthem will be ‘Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini’ – but with less of a dystopian feel to the original.


Mr. Mallet rose to prominence in the 80’s with his ill-matched clothing and catch-phrases ‘utterly brilliant!’ and ‘blaaah’ – all of which Boris Johnson would later copy. He would then beat people with a giant foam phallus; a technique that many of Mr. Johnson’s ex-wives would find familiar.


Mallet’s Yellowhammer will also be used to quell public unrest, with repeated blows to the head – like having a conversation with Jacob Rees Mogg. A Government spokeswoman confirmed: ‘Nobody wants to see queues of people leaving the country, food shortages or general panic – but that’s what you get with Timmy Mallet’.

3 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Using its billionaire dollar empire, Facebook intends to purchase creative ownership of large portions of the English language and a significant portion of the air you breathe. A Facebook executive e

Disguised under the pretext of a kit launch, Britain’s athletes took time out of their busy schedule - of avoiding drug tests - to show off more bulging pectorals than a Zac Efron calendar. Oiled lik

Data suggests a sharp decline in moronic decisions from Saturday to Sunday, leading to unsustainable levels of happiness throughout the nation and the accusation that the Government are only 'part-tim

bottom of page