The public and armed services are on high alert, after a leaked memo suggests that a No-Deal Brexit will lead to re-runs of ‘Mallet’s Mallet’. The Operation Yellowhammer contingency plan also references the stockpiling of colourful glasses, rationing Michaela Strachan and using Tommy Boyd as flood defence.
This paints a bleak future for UK citizens, who will forced to join a Wide Awake Club, to combat the exhaustion of living in a low-wage gig-economy. More terrifying still, in the event of a hard Brexit, the new national anthem will be ‘Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini’ – but with less of a dystopian feel to the original.
Mr. Mallet rose to prominence in the 80’s with his ill-matched clothing and catch-phrases ‘utterly brilliant!’ and ‘blaaah’ – all of which Boris Johnson would later copy. He would then beat people with a giant foam phallus; a technique that many of Mr. Johnson’s ex-wives would find familiar.
Mallet’s Yellowhammer will also be used to quell public unrest, with repeated blows to the head – like having a conversation with Jacob Rees Mogg. A Government spokeswoman confirmed: ‘Nobody wants to see queues of people leaving the country, food shortages or general panic – but that’s what you get with Timmy Mallet’.