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Festive Jumpers: Are they the new black?

What’s snuggly, fun and covered in Santas? Of course, the answer is Stripper Elves, but for some it is festive jumpers. Up and down the country, designers ask the same question – is Christmas themed knitwear cool? To which the answer is no. Simply, no. No, no, noety no. No. For the love of God, no! Yet Britain’s retailers interpret this as a resounding ‘maybe’; with every garment now coming with an obligatory chestnut being spit-roasted by an open fire.

With the festive period now starting sometime back in late June, some sweaty individuals have been sporting mince pies made of wool for several months. While the hilarious impact of these comedy jumpers maybe wearing thin, the reeky body odour emanating from the unwashed garment is going from strength to strength.

Historically the wearing of themed Christmas wear dates back to the Middle Ages, when villagers insisted that the local idiot wrapped up warm during the Winter months. The garish jumper is nature’s way of telling us to avoid social contact with this person. One zoologist explained: ‘The sight of a Christmas Jumper is similar to seeing a marmoset covered in tinsel and grenades. Your initial instinct is to cuddle it. But that’s soon replaced, by a primal fear that this little repressed monkey is going to go postal unless someone compliments him on his reindeer themed woolly’.

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