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First Uni to go bust will have to survive on Pot Noodles

With H.E. finances perilously close to collapse, Chancellors are faced with the prospect of moving back with their parents and getting a proper job. As any student who has blown their loan in their first week will attest, universities will need to now survive by cutting their own hair, buying pints of soda water from the Student Union and using scraps of textbooks for bedding.

Lecturers will have to forgo any sort of actual wage and revert to meal planning - meaning boiled rice Mon-Fri and, as a treat, rice pudding on the weekend. Student digs will need to accommodate all staff and students, their immediate family and the loan shark they now owe everything to.

The Government is clear no bail out will be forthcoming, so Universities need to stand on their own two feet and not bring their washing home every fortnight. ‘There are many options available. They could use their student discount to get up to £10 back on their multi-million pound debt. And socks. Do they need so many socks? If every University cut back on socks, they’d be fully funded. Or have less socks to wash. I dunno, something like that.’

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