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Global game of Whamageddon already down to last three

The words, melody, and electro-chimes in this article have been declared Whamageddon-safe. If you hear the original Last Christmas by Wham! anywhere between 1st December and the end of Christmas Eve, you're out. Last participant still aurally unbesmirched wins. Unfortunately, 1.3 billion people were unexpectedly knocked out this year while they were watching the World Cup. As Jack Grealish arrived for the England v France game on Saturday, Wham!'s 1984 yuletide hit could clearly be heard blaring out through his cans. A further 2.8 million people were eliminated on Monday as they were Christmas shopping in New York. They were unexpectedly and horrifically attacked in the streets via the medium of piped music in and around Time Square. Last year's winner, Teshi, a Shaolin monk living a 20-year life of solitary contemplation in the remotest part of the Qinling mountains was somewhat unlucky when an eagle dropped a rabbit-shaped radio right beside his meditation space as it happened to be playing Last Christmas at that precise moment. The eagle is also out. The three remaining contestants have requested that their identities be kept secret, as they fear reprisals from a particularly devious Andrew Ridgeley armed with a karaoke microphone plugged into a boombox raised above his head.

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