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Government eyeing up US as market for pints of wine

A clearly excited government spokesman announced the 'imminence' of a new 'massivo' trade deal with 'good 'ole US of bleeding A', while holding a half empty example of the only known example of a pint bottle of wine in his hands.

A reporter questioned if the UK wine industry, a relatively small player on the international wine market, was really going to scale up making wine in an internationally unrecognised and unrequested size. The spokesman took a swig from the bottle and nodded, saying the US would be clamouring for wine in a volume container they were used to, plus the government, he said, pointing at his chest, had come up with a brilliant plan to boost entrepreneurs in the UK.

'All the critics say nobody will manufacture pint-size bottles, but I happen to know we already have a massive stockpile of bottles from the collapse of the home-delivered milk industry', he said waving the bottle around like he did in the Party Gate golden period. 'I personally can get hold of literally thousands of these babies, and all we need is to create a boom in the home brewing industry. It'll be like the VIP lane all over again, only with alcohol,' he burped, to which several journalists pointed out the last three words weren't really needed.

Another journalist asked if milk bottles could take the pressure of wine, the spokesman held up the nearly empty bottle and said 'obviously' before admitting he'd decanted a 75cl bottle from the office fridge as proof of concept, necking the residual amount. 'It's not like wine is pressurised,' he said, to flurry of raised hands.

An awkward moment followed when someone pointed out that US pints were four fluid ounces fewer than Imperial pints, but the spokesman shrugged to suggest 'who gives a shit?'. Finally, somebody asked if Rishi had authorised all of this, which produced a bemused look from the spokesman.

'Rishi? Is he still in charge?'he asked, finishing off the bottle and falling off the podium.

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