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Government to carbon date refugees

Having proposed x-raying migrants' teeth, to determine their age, the next logical step will be to cut them in half, in order to count their rings. There will be censures for dentures, a grilling for fillings and restrainers for retainers. A spokeswoman explained: ‘Teeth x-rays are far less controversial than giving them a tattoo or fetching star-shaped badge. Refugees need to be cute, blue-eyed and with a voice of an angel. Disneyesque preferably. Our MPs like them young. Although now is probably not the time to talk about accusations of historical abuse.’

The British Dental Association insist that radiographs cannot accurately determine age, but a mouth filled with gold filings, fetid breath and a decomposing morality - is a sure sign you are a Conservative minister.

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