In an unusual move, the government has agreed to accept teachers' pay demands on the condition that all new education policies be based around mid era Grange Hill story-lines.
New Education Secretary, Norman Stebson, dubbed "Gripper" by his cabinet mates, has laid out proposals for the pay terms to be met, but that the legendary bully be allowed to roam the nation's school corridors and staff-rooms freely, extracting loose change from educators unabated.
The new terms have been met with suspicion by teachers' unions, who are demanding the monster's activities to be restricted to the ridiculing of the overweight, and that any embezzlement should be strictly limited to fee-paying schools.
The move comes after previous Education Secretary, "Nasty" Mr Hicks, was forced to leave his post after negotiations came to a head when "Bullet" Baxter, representing the Union of Sports Educators and Associated Track Suit Industries, allegedly punched him to the floor. An internal review by the Union, however, exonerated Baxter, insisting that the minister had simply "slipped on the wet shower floor".