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Guests singularly unimpressed by toast rack and matching towels

What should have been a weekend of bonhomie quickly became a critique of the host’s lack of gluten-free meal options and their miserly hoarding of the Wi-Fi password. The guests complained: ‘Where was the choice of cheese boards? Moreover, the turn down service was practically non-existent. One couple we visited offered reflexology, loft storage and a suitcase-stand they’d whittled by hand.’

The owners defended their position: ‘We did everything we could to make them feel welcomed. We laughed at their racist jokes, deliberately lost at Scrabble! We even provided a series of tasteful, but impractically small, shampoo bottles - stolen from a range of exclusive hotels.

‘We were both very diplomatic; I didn’t mention his second wife or Brexit and Matt hardly ever stared at Sally’s boob job. I took the dog’s blanket off the spare bed and we even muted our sex noises. I almost don’t feel guilty now for having pissed in the soup.’

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